Cowboys and Aliens and Smurfs, oh my!
(I’ll bet somebody’s already used that as a title.)
(It’s just so obvious, you know?)
Anyway, opening this weekend are Cowboys and Aliens, Smurfs and Crazy, Stupid, Love. I have nothing to say about Crazy, Stupid, Love except this: Why is there a comma after “Stupid”? Isn’t it being used as an adjective?
No comma in the movie poster, which is how it should be.
Moving right along, I kind of want to see Cowboys and Aliens because it is about cowboys fighting aliens.
Although, cool as it looks, I can't imagine it is nearly as good as Ninja fighting aliens.
I would be willing to overlook Olivia Wilde’s presence, but the filmmakers don’t seem to want to let me, because it looks like she is in almost every scene. Hopefully, she just stands there looking pretty and doesn’t talk much.
(Holy crap, I sound like an office boss from the 1950s.)
And get me my files, woman!
And then there’s The Smurfs. The Smurfs is how I know Hollywood hates you as much as Hollywood hates me.
This movie couldn't look more wretched if it tried.
Also that Neil Patrick Harris owes some bad people some bigtime money.
Please tell me it's gambling or drugs, Neil!
But seriously, folks, who wants to see three-dimensional Smurfs in New York City? It’s like one of those talking animal movies, except the animals are blue and one of them is voiced by Katy Perry. I dislike her on general principle, because who gets married to Russell Brand? Eck.
Dear Katy Perry, please ask your husband to keep his damn shirt buttoned up. Always.
Anyway, I’d be willing to go see Cowboys and Aliens, if anyone wants to take me. We could ogle Olivia Wilde together (she’s so pretty!) and throw popcorn at the screen whenever she talks.
I wanted my coffee with two sugars and cream, woman!
Matt Damon’s been in a lot of movies lately
The Adjustment Bureau. That opens this weekend. Oooh, and it’s got Terence Stamp, which is great news because Terence Stamp is AWESOME! Kneel before Zod and all that, you know?
Anyway, it appears to be some sort of thriller about a team of men in classy suits who are in charge of our fate, as imagined by Phillip K. Dick, because when he imagined anything, somebody was wearing a classy suit.
And fedoras. God, I love fedoras.
But Matt Damon and Emily Blunt fall in love despite that not being their fate, and so corrections have to be made. There’s the threat of Matt Damon lobotimization, which is always good news, and the aforementioned Terence Stamp in a classy suit, which is super good news, but other than that? Meh.
Which, coincidentally, is how I feel about Matt Damon, fedora or no.
The trailer tries to get you all excited, what with the pulsating music and the short sentences —Â “This Man. This Glance.” — because what’s more thrilling than a sentence written in passive tense? But the whole premise is a man fighting his fate for love, and it seems to be a woman he’s barely met. I mean, how in love could they possibly be? And don’t give me that “love at first sight” pablum. Ridiculous.
Ooooh, scratch that. I just fell in love with Emily Blunt's dress at first sight.
And speaking of love at first sight, Beastly! It’s a modern-day taken on the Beauty and the Beast myth, starring some chick from the High School Musical movies and some attractive blonde guy who doesn’t actually look bad at all in his “beast” form. More like a guy who got a little tattoo overzealous. Like, his fabulous facial structure and awesomely long limbs are all still there, so how hideous is he supposed to be?
All I know is that I want to tousle his hair so, so bad.
Whatever, it’s got Neil Patrick Harris in it as his blind tutor, so that’s awesome.
I don't care if it IS Neil Patrick Harris, I wouldn't let the blind guy throw darts in my living room.
It’s based on a young adult romance, of course, because what movies aren’t nowadays (OK, movies based on Phillip K. Dick short stories, fine), and it’s not getting bad reviews, but considering they were probably comparing it to Twilight in their minds, there’s really nowhere to go but up, you know?
I mean, Christ, as long as the writer is slightly literate, she's already ahead of whatsername. Oh, shame on me. I assumed the writer was a woman. But it totally is, right?
Hollywood Hates Me 