Cowboys and Aliens and Smurfs, oh my!
(I’ll bet somebody’s already used that as a title.)
(It’s just so obvious, you know?)
Anyway, opening this weekend are Cowboys and Aliens, Smurfs and Crazy, Stupid, Love. I have nothing to say about Crazy, Stupid, Love except this: Why is there a comma after “Stupid”? Isn’t it being used as an adjective?
No comma in the movie poster, which is how it should be.
Moving right along, I kind of want to see Cowboys and Aliens because it is about cowboys fighting aliens.
Although, cool as it looks, I can't imagine it is nearly as good as Ninja fighting aliens.
I would be willing to overlook Olivia Wilde’s presence, but the filmmakers don’t seem to want to let me, because it looks like she is in almost every scene. Hopefully, she just stands there looking pretty and doesn’t talk much.
(Holy crap, I sound like an office boss from the 1950s.)
And get me my files, woman!
And then there’s The Smurfs. The Smurfs is how I know Hollywood hates you as much as Hollywood hates me.
This movie couldn't look more wretched if it tried.
Also that Neil Patrick Harris owes some bad people some bigtime money.
Please tell me it's gambling or drugs, Neil!
But seriously, folks, who wants to see three-dimensional Smurfs in New York City? It’s like one of those talking animal movies, except the animals are blue and one of them is voiced by Katy Perry. I dislike her on general principle, because who gets married to Russell Brand? Eck.
Dear Katy Perry, please ask your husband to keep his damn shirt buttoned up. Always.
Anyway, I’d be willing to go see Cowboys and Aliens, if anyone wants to take me. We could ogle Olivia Wilde together (she’s so pretty!) and throw popcorn at the screen whenever she talks.
I wanted my coffee with two sugars and cream, woman!
The Bones vs. The Smurfs
The Bones and The Smurfs. Both bulbous-nosed odd little creatures with no genitals to speak of.
Otherwise, they would be wearing pants.
Smurfs are kind of like hairless blue rats. With no genitals.
That was really all the further my brain got on this whole “intro” thing, so, erm, the Bones are Jeff Smith’s little creatures from his bestselling comic book “Bone,” and the Smurfs are the Smurfs.
That’s really all you need to know.
Well, that and don't dress like smurfs, 'cause it's creepy.
Battle ho!
Physicality: Like I said earlier, both The Bones and The Smurfs are bulbous-nosed creatures with no genitals to speak of. The Bones probably have ’em somewhere, but I try not to think about it. I think the Smurfs, I don’t know, sprout from mushrooms or something. But the physicality category isn’t about genitals alone! No! It’s about other asthetically pleasing qualities, like not being Smurfs. Winners? The Bones.
Hopeless crush on unattainable female? Oh, heavens yes.
I know I've said this before, Fone Bone, but you have no genitals.
Unless she was the communal chick smurf, I don't know.
Winners? It’s a tie.
Would be delicious in a stew, or perhaps quiche? According to these folks, yes.
It's a little sad that his life's pursuit was to chase small blue creatures in the hopes of creating a stew out of them.
A word the rat creatures used to describe the Bones was "succulent."
Winners? Another tie.
Fought a great evil and helped save the world? Now you’d think any guy who names his cat after the angel of death and is a wicked sorceror would be considered a great evil, but it’s not like Gargamel really did anything all that bad except annoy the smurfs. On the other hand, the Bones had to face a creature that wanted to destroy all of creation. And they beat it, because good always triumphs. Winners? The Bones.
Bone is a children's comic! No nightmares for them!
Have a catchy, yet lyric-less, theme song that wakes you from your peaceful slumber because it just won’t stop going through your head, over and over, in some sort of horrific infinite loop? The Bones are in a comic book. The Smurfs have a cartoon. Guess which one goes “Lah-lah-la-lah-lah-lah”? Did you guess the Smurfs? If you didn’t, you probably suffer from this condition. Winner? The Smurfs.
Getting made into a live action/CGI movie? Winner? The Smurfs.
Starring Neil Patrick Harris? Winner? The Smurfs.
Who would’ve thunk it? I know, they’ve been talking about making a Bone movie forever.
Moving right along, fought a scarier cat? Azrael is the angel of death, sure, but that cat’s just your average, everyday house cat. Smurfs are like hairless mice. Rock Jaw, on the other hand, is a giant mountain lion that is bigger than your house. Winner? The Bones.
That's one damned big cat.
Then it’s a tie, unless my math is off! Let’s just assume it’s not.
The tiebreaker then: How many times can the creators of said creatures reference “The Lord of the Rings”? Oh, so many times, Jeff Smith. So many times. Winners? The Bones.
Hollywood Hates Me 