A love letter to Spike Spiegel
Hi, Mr. Spiegel. I just wanted to let you know that if things don’t work out between myself and Elijah Snow that I am totally and utterly willing to wed you. (It’s not that I don’t think that things will work out between me and my boy Elijah, it’s just that the whole fictional character thing.)
It’s not that I think you’re second best, by the way. I think you’re great. I mean, the way you get shot and stabbed and exploded and don’t die? That’s awesome. The way you fly through outer space (occasionally) nabbing bad guys for bounty money? Also awesome. Your knowledge of Jeet Kune Do, which I can’t actually spell and have to google? So incredibly awesome. Your hair? Holy cow awesome!!
SUCH awesome hair.
What’s much less awesome, though, is the way you just can’t get over your ex.
It's kind of hard to blame you, though. Damn.
That’s just … that’s gonna be tough for us to work around. But I think we can do it, Spike Spiegel! I think we can.
Here’s why: I have incredibly low self-esteem.
You could compare me to Julia, like, constantly, and I would just sit quietly and nod and think to myself, yes, I deserve that, because I’m not as awesome as Julia and we all know it. Like, do I look that good in full body leather? No! Because I sweat! I sweat and I’m disgusting. I’m so lucky that Spike Spiegel even talks to me when Julia is so much better.
But please don't even start comparing me to Faye Valentine, because I'm not sure I could handle that.
See? See how well things would work out?
Not to mention, I’m perfectly willing to sit quietly on Mars or wherever, waiting for you. And if you ask me to quietly assassinate a few interstellar Mafia members while I’m waiting, well, who am I to say no? Who am I? Well, not someone who hasn’t dreamed of quietly assassinating a few interstellar Mafia members for my whole life, that’s who I’m not. Wait, did that make sense? What I’m saying, Spike Spiegel, is that I’m perfectly willing to kill a few low-ranking interstellar Mafia members for you, if that is what you ask of me as your bride. (I’m assuming you want me to leave the high-ranking interstellar Mafia members for you, Spike Spiegel, because that is how you roll.)
But you'd have no problem with me killing his pet bird, right? Because I would totally murder the hell out of that bird for your love.
(I hope people still say “how you roll” or Spike is going to think I’m so lame.)
Also, Spike Spiegel, and I think this is my winning argument here: I can cook up a great dish on a budget. Instant rice and bell peppers? That’s right, baby, you’ve got bell pepper and beef (without the beef). I have a variety of seasonings on hand, so you’d never be able to tell. This, and I don’t think I have to tell you, Spike Spiegel, would come in really handy as you usually don’t nab the criminals and don’t get a bounty and you’re kind of starving to death in outer space.
Actually, and I don't want to come across as a braggart, but bell pepper and beef is a specialty of mine, Spike Spiegel.
I wouldn’t let that happen, Spike Spiegel.
I mean, you're already so thin! We've got to fatten you up, boy!
Please consider my proposal.
Unless you're the Keanu Reeves incarnation of Spike Spiegel, in which case, go to hell.
I refuse to use to word “Kick-Ass” in this post title. Crap!
Well, I … huh … I had no idea. Did anyone know that they’re making a Kick-Ass movie? I mean, they’ve barely made a comic book!
Yeah, Mark Millar's none too big on subtlety.
It’s only seven issues long (and, as far as I can tell, hasn’t even finished a story arc yet)! And there’s hardly any pages in those issues. In fact, according to the movie’s Wikipedia page (which we all know is totally reliable and hardly ever wrong), there will only be 12 issues of Kick-Ass out when the movie is released. That seems like an overestimate to me, since it’s, like, three or four months between issues now and the movie is supposed to be released in 2010.
Ha, ha, Kick-Ass. You're even more of a wanker in live-action! Er, I mean, go, kid! Fight crime! Whoo!
Which, of course, begs the question:
Are they making every comic book into movies now?
I mean, in the past decade alone, we’ve had Bulletproof Monk, Watchmen, the Dark Knight, Iron Man, Whiteout, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, From Hell, Hellboy, V for Vendetta, Spiderman, Daredevil, Elektra, Ghost Rider, Ghost World, Wanted, 30 Days of Night, Et Frakkin’ Cetera!!!!
Shown here: Alan Moore, killing Hollywood with his patented "Alan Moore Look of Death" for their inability to properly adapt a single one of his comic books.
Now, I’m not saying it’s wrong to make comic books into films. In fact, it’s a great idea! Comic books are basically movies that you have to read, and your acquaintances will laugh at you less if you go to the movies than if you talk about the latest issue of Planetary (which is awesome, by the way).
No, the real problem is: most of these movies suck.
Also, a lot of the stars are embarrassed to say they’re in a comic book movie, so they call them “graphic novels,” which bugs hell out of me. (So much that I decided to omit the word “the.”)
Also, Kick-Ass is going to feature Nic Cage, who stopped acting somewhere in the ’90s. Seriously, I know the guy loves comic books, but I’ll bet there’s some people out there who also love comic books who have tried playing a character lately. Find them! Hire them! Have one of them play Bigby in the upcoming Fables movie (Note: There may not actually be an upcoming Fables movie, but I just assume there is. Also Scalped, Fell and Gen 13.)
In conclusion (thanks, junior high English!), please, Hollywood, don’t make a Cowboy Bebop movie.
Hollywood, I cannot emphasize ENOUGH what a bad idea this is. Please die.
You couldn’t BE more lucky!
Because you are getting two Top Ten lists in a day! Possibly more, if you went to some other blog and read one of their top 10 lists, but why would you do that?
Now, Hollywood might hate me (and does, as evidenced by consistently putting Keanu Reeves in films that might not have otherwise sucked), but Japan is still my friend.
I know this because of Alien vs. Ninja. God bless you, Japan. God bless your tentacle-loving hearts.
Squeeeeeeeeee!!!
The basic plot of Alien vs. Ninja is that aliens land and are fought by Iga Ninja, the best ninja of all (go to hell, Kouga ninja!). Why, yes, I am a shinobi otaku and have several books on the subject, why do you … ? Oh, you were asking sarcastically. I get it. I do! I get it.
At any rate, what could be better than ninja (especially Iga ninja) fighting aliens?
Only about ten things, that’s what! (But, really, only marginally better, because, damn! Alien vs. Ninja!)
1. Zombies vs. Ninja. Yes, I had to. You knew it was coming, so isn’t it best I got it out of the way right off the bat?
2. Androids vs. Ninja. Y’all do know a picture of the hot cylon Samuel Anders will be used to illustrate this point, don’t you?
Yeah, y'all totally knew.
3. Zombies vs. Ninja androids. I’m just sayin’, someone needs to build a ninja android. They could call it “The Stealthbot.” Or perhaps something less lame, I don’t know.
4. Kouga Ninja vs. Iga Ninja. Oops, they already did that. It was called “Basilisk.” (Or the Kouga Ninja Scrolls, if you’re talking the novel.)
Or "Shinobi," if you include the inferior film. (Yes, even DESPITE the presence of Tak Sakaguchi.)
5. Vampires vs. Ninja. Especially if it’s those pussy Twilight vampires, and we get to spend two hours watching ninja whale on them utterly.
Why can't the sparkling save me?! Whyyyy??
6. The cast of Cowboy Bebop vs. Ninja. I don’t remember a ninja episode. There was a crazy samurai episode. There should’ve been a ninja episode.
Yeah, sorry guys. You probably won't get fed in that episode either.
7. Ninja Assassin vs. Ninja. Went rogue, did ya? Face your former ninja teammates in some sort of, I don’t know, death battle! Actually, this is probably the plot of Ninja Assassin. (No, I don’t know what the plot of Ninja Assassin will be. I want to see it because it is called Ninja Assassin. I don’t care what it’s about. It has a ninja who is also an assassin.)
8. Samurai vs. Ninja. There’s probably tons of movies about this, but you know what? There could be more.
We ninja scoff at your samurai ideals of "honor" and "loyalty." Right before we stab you through the head. (From behind.)
9. Jet Li vs. Jackie Chan, and one of them is a ninja. Wouldn’t the just be the bestest movie ever?
10. Gunslinging android priests vs. Ninja zombies. O.M.G. Guys! What could possibly be cooler than zombies, androids and ninja in one movie? Nothing! Nothing could possibly be cooler! Best movie ever.
I would say the word "Braaaaains," but that goes against my Ninja code. I'll just snack silently, thanks.
Kaneda vs. Spike Spiegel
In an earlier post, I mentioned that I didn’t think there was anyone else who possessed as much awesome as Kaneda to go up against him in a death battle. (Note: These aren’t actually death battles, because this blog is just not that cool.)
But then I remembered there was Spike Spiegel, who is even more awesome than Kaneda.
If not more awesome, at least equally awesome.
Hell, I don't NEED a laser gun to be awesome.
Or is he?
Only a death battle will decide!!
(Note: Seriously, this isn’t a death battle. Do I have any friends who are good with photoshop??? Or actual death battles?)
On to the (not actually a) death battle!
Physicality. You know what I hate the most about the physicality category? The way I always try to spell it psychality. I mean, what the hell is that? Why did I even make a category I can’t spell? And how can one cartoon character be hotter than another? Am I going to turn into one of those Japanese men who dates his body pillow? Do they even make Spike Spiegel body pillows? In conclusion, Kaneda is certainly awesome, but Spike Spiegel is drawn better. Plus, he’s got that lanky thing going, which is my kryptonite. Winner? Spike Spiegel. The real winner? Lokifire, if she can find a Spike Spiegel body pillow.
The action figure's just not that snuggly.
General bad-assedness. Here’s where the battle really begins. Sadly, it’s not a battle to the death because one of these characters is already dead. By the way, I appreciate my friends who try to console me by saying (spoiler alert) that Spike could just be resting at the end of the Bebop series, but he’s dead. Thanks anyway. I mean it. *sniff* Errr, moving right along. Spike Spiegel studies Jun Fan Jeet Kune Do, which was the martial art created by Bruce Lee, who is a god among action movie stars and also everyone else. He gets stabbed, tossed out a church window, exploded, bit by dogs, punched, shot, etc., etc., and doesn’t die. You know, until he does. (Personally, I think his body was just like, damn it, stop putting me in these situations! That’s it, if I’m going down, I’m taking you with me!) He goes up against more serial killers than the entire cast of Criminal Minds (that show’s about serial killers, right?)! And he always comes out OK! Until he doesn’t. But what of Kaneda? Man, Kaneda faced off against two powerful psychics with only a laser gun and some chutzpah. And if you’re like: “Powerful psychics, schmowerful schmychics,” then, 1) I’m impressed with your abillity to pronounce that; 2) Apparently, you didn’t see Tetsuo punch a hole in the godsdamned moon. Winner? I’m sorry, Spike, but we’re going on Kaneda with this one. 1) Those were some powerful psychics; and 2) he’s not dead.
Better first name? Spike’s first name is Spike. I don’t know if he was born with that name or what. Kaneda’s first name is Shotaro. There’s a couple of ways to write the kanji for Shotaro and I can’t read kanji so I don’t know for sure how Kaneda’s first name is spelled, but the traditional way is Sho = Pine and Taro = boy. So Kaneda’s first name is probably Pine Boy. Winner? Spike.
Better friends? Spike Spiegel hung out with the crew of the interstellar craft Bebop, which includes the following: 1) Jet Black, a guy with a robot arm who used to be an interstellar cop and is now a bounty hunter; 2) Faye Valentine, a con artist from who was woken from cyrogenic sleep and also wears hardly any clothing; 3) Ed, the young computer genius; and 4) Ein, the really cute data-dog who is also a genius in addition to being a Welsh Corgi.
Really, Faye, is that outfit appropriate for interstellar travel?
Kaneda hangs out with the survivors of Tokyo, who include: 1) Kei, his love interest who is a powerful conduit for psychic power and also pretty handy with a gun; 2) Chiyoko, Kei’s aunt, who is roughly the size of a water buffalo and just as deadly; 3) Kaisuke, some little short dude who was in Kaneda’s gang before Tokyo was destroyed (the second time), and is totally loyal and good in a fight; 4) The Colonel, who isn’t really Kaneda’s friend at all, but does control some sort of satellite super-beam. The winner? Holy cats! These guys have awesome friends. This is totally a draw.
Lives in a dystopia? Both Cowboy Bebop and Akira are set in futures where Tokyo has been destroyed at least once. However, in Cowboy Bebop, it’s not just Tokyo taking the brunt of the destruction, it’s the whole earth. However, people have colonized Mars and Venus and some other places, and they have interstellar space travel, so it’s cool. In Akira, though, Tokyo gets destroyed a couple more times and also, Tetsuo punches a hole in the moon. Tetsuo’s a bit of a prick. Winner? Um, I guess Kaneda, if the winner of this category is the one who lives in the worst future/society. If not, then it’s Spike, because he has a spaceship.
Ran with a gang? Kaneda and Tetsuo used to be juvenile delinquents in some sort of motorcycle gang. Before Tokyo was destroyed (for the second time). Spike used to be in the interstellar Mafia. Why, yes, I do enjoy using the word “interstellar.” How did you know? Winner? Spike, because “Interstellar Mafia” sounds waaaay more badass than “Motorcycle gang.”
Cooler vehicle? They’re both red. They’re both fast. But between Kaneda’s motorcycle and Spike’s Swordfish, only one is up for interstellar travel. (It’s the Swordfish.) Winner? Spike “Interstellar Traveler” Spiegel.
Also? It shoots lasers!
I don't need a vehicle that shoots lasers. I've got a gun that does that.
Gets the girl? Kaneda and Kei end up being the rulers of Neo-Tokyo (which has been destroyed three times at this point, so good luck with that, kids). Spike dies. Also, he was mean to Faye up until the end, when they! would! have! made! such! a! cute! couple!! Winner? Kaneda. (Gods, Spike, you should’ve just hooked up with Faye already.)
Lives to fight another day? Winner? Kanedaaaaaa!
Overall winner? Spike Spiegel. But only barely. Mostly because of his spaceship.
Lookswise, the casting would be perfect
So, apparently, there’s a rumor going around the internets that Zac Efron will be cast as Light Yagami aka Kira aka that guy I hate ’cause he killed L in the Hollywood adaptation of Death Note. Yeah, because Hollywood is so good at remaking Japanese movies/anime/manga.
Anyway, that rumor is almost certainly load of hooey (seriously? Zac Efron? I mean, you know they’re going to cast Keanu Reeves as … oh, god, they’ll probably cast him as L, won’t they), but here’s some images why maybe it should be considered.
For one, he looks more like Raito than the Japanese guy they had playing him.
Also, he might be one of the few men in the world who is prettier than Kenichi Matsuyama.
Ummmm, I don't really have a caption for this, but boy! That Zac Efron sure looks like Light Yagami, huh?
This is the guy they got for the live-action Death Note. He's got a funny-shaped head.
On a related note, please don't do this, Hollywood. Please, God, no.
Things that would portray Spike Spiegel better than Keanu Reeves could ever possibly hope
Hey! It’s a top ten list about how bad Keanu Reeves sucks and how awesome Cowboy Bebop’s Spike Spiegel is! It’s like taking two things I love (saying how bad Keanu Reeves sucks and Cowboy Bebop) and mashing them together into one giant gooey mashed-up potato cake or something.
Gods, Hollywood, can't you see what a bad idea this is?
Mmmmm, potato cakes.
So what could portray Spike Spiegel better than Keanu Reeves could ever possibly hope? Let’s find out! (Note: not all things on this list are animate objects.)
1. A life-size Spike Spiegel cardboard cutout. The advantage this has over Keanu Reeves is that it already looks like Spike Spiegel. Also, the acting.
2. A mynah bird. A mynah bird is nature’s tape recorder. Just let the thing watch a few episodes of Cowboy Bebop, and you have got yourself someone who can replicate more of Spike Spiegel’s mannerisms than, say, I don’t know, Keanu Reeves. Because the only mannerism of Spike Spiegel Keanu Reeves could replicate is the part at the end (spoiler alert!), where he is lying there dead. And he’d probably screw that up by goddamn breathing or something.
I could've been a contender! SQUAWK! (Note: I don't actually know if Mynah birds say "Squawk.")
3. Speaking of dead (belated spoiler alert!), a corpse. A corpse has the advantage of having once possessed the ability to convincingly portray basic human emotion, something Keanu Reeves is sadly, sadly lacking.
4. That guy who dressed up like Spike Spiegel at Comic-Con. Any of them. All of them. Hell, you could shoot a different Spike Spiegel cosplayer for each different scene, and it would still be better than Keanu Reeves.
Bonus! This guy's kind of cute, too!
5. An Elvis impersonator. I’m not sure if this would actually be better than Keanu Reeves, but it certainly couldn’t be any worse.
Sure, I could add ... what's his name? ... Spike Spiegel? ... to my repertoire.
6. A CGI character. Sure, it’s a “live-action” movie. Hey, the Star Wars prequels were “live-action” “movies.” So was the Lord of the Rings trilogy! We could totally replace Keanu Reeves with a computer replica of Spike Spiegel, and no one would be the wiser, except for, you know, the acting.
I feel a little bit wrong about using an image of Gollum, but you've got to admit: he's got dramatic range!
7. A collectible Cowboy Bebop piece of memorabilia, like a lighter or something. Again, has the advantage of looking like Spike Spiegel. Again, ACTING!
8. A raccoon. I know, I know. Spike Spiegel doesn’t seem much like a raccoon, right? But when you think about it, with those little masks, raccoons are totally the bandits of the animal world. And Spike Spiegel was a bandit … aw, crap, he was a bounty hunter. What’s the bounty hunter of the animal world? People? Shit, this totally fell apart on me. Well, anyway, a raccoon would still be a better choice to play Spike Spiegel than Keanu Reeves.
The raccoon thinks you suck too, Keanu Reeves.
9. A wooden spoon. Why the wooden spoon? BECAUSE IT’S LESS WOODEN THAN KEANU REEVES, THAT’S WHY!
ACTING!!!!!!
10. An actual, real actor. Frak you, Hollywood, why does Keanu Reeves have a career anyway? I hate you so much.
Since that's a pretty teeny representation, it says: "Blank: his entire emotional range in one word." I can do no better than that. Replace me with a damn mynah!
Akira vs. Godzilla
It was pointed out to me that perhaps, just perhaps, mind you, the previous matchup of Akira and his military training and Carrie and her telekinesis brought on by the travails of puberty was just a bit unfair.
Some recommendations for a different matchup were made, but I decided to go with Godzilla instead, because it’s always funnier to pick Godzilla than childsize Drew Barrymore.
If not, I will destroy Tokyo.
Seriously, Google, I love Kaneda as much as the next guy, but does it have to be THIS hard to find a picture of Akira himself?
Let the battle of destructive forces of nature begin!
Physicality: As mentioned previously, Akira is a cute little cutie who cutes (and destroys the world). Godzilla is a giant monster. Incidentally, Godzilla’s Japanese name, Gojira, is a combination of gorira and kujira (gorilla and whale, respectively). Also incidentally, Gojira sounds a lot like Godzilla to American ears, hence the bastardization of his name. The winner? Hey, Akira’s cute, but who isn’t impressed by a hideous giant monster? Godzilla.
Destroyed Tokyo? Akira destroyed the city once as a small child, then again thirty years later as a small child (still) and then again some indeterminate amount of time later. Admittedly, Tetsuo lent a helping hand the second and third times, but that’s hard work for a kid who looks about 6 or 7. On the other hand, Godzilla’s been in more movies than I can count (I have a learning disability) (Editor’s note: Lokifire’s learning disability is called “too lazy to do the work.”), and I can only assume (Editor’s note: see my last note) that he destroys Tokyo in all those movies. The winner by a landslide, possibly literally: Godzilla!
Trapped: For Akira, the military locked him in a seven-layer chamber for about 30 years. It was kept at Absolute Zero. I just capitalized Absolute Zero for no particular reason. Godzilla was trapped under the sea, with all the singing sea creatures. The winner? Akira, because Absolute Zero is really, really cold, and it really, really should have killed him dead.
Hangs out with Kanedaaaaaa? I really like Kaneda. Akira wins again! (On a related note, I’ve read Akira over a dozen times, and I never really realized that Kaneda was his family name and that his name is Shotaro, which, no wonder they all call him Kaneda. Jeez.)
Hey, have I ever mentioned that Kaneda goes up against TWO powerful psychics with nothing but a laser gun and he wins? I'd put him in a battle, but no other character has that much awesome.
Name recognition with millions of Japanese and a few thousand geeky Americans? This? Is a tie. Ask the right person, and the words “Godzilla” and “Akira” are only synonymous with “destruction of Tokyo.”
A parable for their time? Godzilla was brought into being through nuclear radiation. Akira was the product of a crazed military, trying to create weapons (or something. They’re the military, I assume weapons, but maybe they were trying to create an army of psychic housekeepers). These fears are both rational and likely to affect our lives at any minute. In fact, we might have the most to fear from irradiated telekinetics. My. God.
Forced into a realllllly bad Hollywood remake? The winner (or loser, as the case may be): Godzilla. Although there are horrible, horrible rumors floating around that Akira may be made as a live-action film, and I’m sure Hollywood will find some way to shoehorn Keanu Reeves into the film. (Note: if he is cast as Kaneda, I intend to murder every Hollywood exec I can find, because isn’t it bad enough you bastards want to cast him as Spike Spiegel? Must you ruin every great Japanese anime/manga character? Must you??!!!)
Hollywood, you are a cruel mistress.
The tiebreaker? Technically, Godzilla just won by winning that last category, but since it’s such a craptacular category to be the victor of, we shall have one final, tie-breaking face-off. Why I am stalling, you ask? Is it because I couldn’t think of a tiebreaker, you ask? Hey, I could put this post on hold for three days and you wouldn’t know I couldn’t … fine, I’m having trouble thinking of a tiebreaker….
OK, here’s the tiebreaker for reals: Ultimate, tragic death? Akira (*sniff*) dies when his powers collide with Tetsuo’s (I think? Seriously, things get a little weird toward the end of Akira, and I’m always like, man, that’s so cool, what just happened?), and he has a vision of all his little psychic friends and, awwwwww! Godzilla apparently died at some point of a nuclear meltdown (huh?), but his son (double huh?) quickly took over the reigns of horrible, mutant monster. Winner? Akira!
Overall winner: What can I say? I’ve got a deep-seated fondness for that little city-destroying sweetie-pie. Akira, you win again.
Hollywood Hates Me 