A love letter to (Shotaro) Kaneda
Dear (Shotaro) Kaneda,
I just want you to know that I heard the live-action Akira movie is back on and I am so, so, so sorry. Firstly, because they can never do justice to the great original work, and secondly, because they can never do justice to you, the perfect boy.
The perfect boy has a laser gun.
I mean it, Kaneda. There is no movie star alive that could do you justice.
Maybe if they brought Buster Keaton back from the dead, that might be okay, but even he isn’t Japanese enough, I don’t care how awesome he is (was).
He was so awesome, he rode to work hanging onto the fronts of trains. Because he could, that's why.
Of course, because they’re making this movie for American audiences, it’s not like any of the cast is going to be any more Japanese than Keanu Reeves anyway, so we should just prepare for … I don’t know. That kid from Twilight.
Or the other one. Whichever.
And I want you to know, Kaneda, that I won’t stand for it! I will staunchly refuse to go see the live-action Akira movie the same way I have staunchly refused to go see any movie I might have to pay for myself since I became unemployed. But with more complaining.
And why?
It’s because I love you, Kaneda. You and your laser gun-shooting, futuristic motorcycle-driving, psychic ass-kicking ways.
Oh, Kaneda. So much psychic ass did you kick.
So rest assured that for me, Kaneda, you will never be (insert affordable white star’s name here), but always a scruffy street punk with panache to spare.
And a post-apocalyptic Neo-Tokyo to rule.
Stay classy!
I’m so happy, I could kiss a pig
Knowing that Keanu Reeves won’t be in Akira: The Unnecessary Remake that No One Wants is just the best news ever! I feel so lucky, I am going to go out and buy a lottery ticket right now! Whooo!
And, after I've won the lottery, I'm totally having a motorcycle custom-made for me.
I told you they hated me, and here is proof
So, not only a live-action Akira movie (why???) but also they’re thinking of casting Keanu Reeves (WHY????) as my frakking hero KANEDA (WHYYYYYYYYYYY??????)!!!
Goddammit, this is the end times, after all.
And we deserve it if we are going to cast Keanu Reeves as Kaneda, because that casting makes the baby Jesus cry.
Kaneda vs. Spike Spiegel
In an earlier post, I mentioned that I didn’t think there was anyone else who possessed as much awesome as Kaneda to go up against him in a death battle. (Note: These aren’t actually death battles, because this blog is just not that cool.)
But then I remembered there was Spike Spiegel, who is even more awesome than Kaneda.
If not more awesome, at least equally awesome.
Hell, I don't NEED a laser gun to be awesome.
Or is he?
Only a death battle will decide!!
(Note: Seriously, this isn’t a death battle. Do I have any friends who are good with photoshop??? Or actual death battles?)
On to the (not actually a) death battle!
Physicality. You know what I hate the most about the physicality category? The way I always try to spell it psychality. I mean, what the hell is that? Why did I even make a category I can’t spell? And how can one cartoon character be hotter than another? Am I going to turn into one of those Japanese men who dates his body pillow? Do they even make Spike Spiegel body pillows? In conclusion, Kaneda is certainly awesome, but Spike Spiegel is drawn better. Plus, he’s got that lanky thing going, which is my kryptonite. Winner? Spike Spiegel. The real winner? Lokifire, if she can find a Spike Spiegel body pillow.
The action figure's just not that snuggly.
General bad-assedness. Here’s where the battle really begins. Sadly, it’s not a battle to the death because one of these characters is already dead. By the way, I appreciate my friends who try to console me by saying (spoiler alert) that Spike could just be resting at the end of the Bebop series, but he’s dead. Thanks anyway. I mean it. *sniff* Errr, moving right along. Spike Spiegel studies Jun Fan Jeet Kune Do, which was the martial art created by Bruce Lee, who is a god among action movie stars and also everyone else. He gets stabbed, tossed out a church window, exploded, bit by dogs, punched, shot, etc., etc., and doesn’t die. You know, until he does. (Personally, I think his body was just like, damn it, stop putting me in these situations! That’s it, if I’m going down, I’m taking you with me!) He goes up against more serial killers than the entire cast of Criminal Minds (that show’s about serial killers, right?)! And he always comes out OK! Until he doesn’t. But what of Kaneda? Man, Kaneda faced off against two powerful psychics with only a laser gun and some chutzpah. And if you’re like: “Powerful psychics, schmowerful schmychics,” then, 1) I’m impressed with your abillity to pronounce that; 2) Apparently, you didn’t see Tetsuo punch a hole in the godsdamned moon. Winner? I’m sorry, Spike, but we’re going on Kaneda with this one. 1) Those were some powerful psychics; and 2) he’s not dead.
Better first name? Spike’s first name is Spike. I don’t know if he was born with that name or what. Kaneda’s first name is Shotaro. There’s a couple of ways to write the kanji for Shotaro and I can’t read kanji so I don’t know for sure how Kaneda’s first name is spelled, but the traditional way is Sho = Pine and Taro = boy. So Kaneda’s first name is probably Pine Boy. Winner? Spike.
Better friends? Spike Spiegel hung out with the crew of the interstellar craft Bebop, which includes the following: 1) Jet Black, a guy with a robot arm who used to be an interstellar cop and is now a bounty hunter; 2) Faye Valentine, a con artist from who was woken from cyrogenic sleep and also wears hardly any clothing; 3) Ed, the young computer genius; and 4) Ein, the really cute data-dog who is also a genius in addition to being a Welsh Corgi.
Really, Faye, is that outfit appropriate for interstellar travel?
Kaneda hangs out with the survivors of Tokyo, who include: 1) Kei, his love interest who is a powerful conduit for psychic power and also pretty handy with a gun; 2) Chiyoko, Kei’s aunt, who is roughly the size of a water buffalo and just as deadly; 3) Kaisuke, some little short dude who was in Kaneda’s gang before Tokyo was destroyed (the second time), and is totally loyal and good in a fight; 4) The Colonel, who isn’t really Kaneda’s friend at all, but does control some sort of satellite super-beam. The winner? Holy cats! These guys have awesome friends. This is totally a draw.
Lives in a dystopia? Both Cowboy Bebop and Akira are set in futures where Tokyo has been destroyed at least once. However, in Cowboy Bebop, it’s not just Tokyo taking the brunt of the destruction, it’s the whole earth. However, people have colonized Mars and Venus and some other places, and they have interstellar space travel, so it’s cool. In Akira, though, Tokyo gets destroyed a couple more times and also, Tetsuo punches a hole in the moon. Tetsuo’s a bit of a prick. Winner? Um, I guess Kaneda, if the winner of this category is the one who lives in the worst future/society. If not, then it’s Spike, because he has a spaceship.
Ran with a gang? Kaneda and Tetsuo used to be juvenile delinquents in some sort of motorcycle gang. Before Tokyo was destroyed (for the second time). Spike used to be in the interstellar Mafia. Why, yes, I do enjoy using the word “interstellar.” How did you know? Winner? Spike, because “Interstellar Mafia” sounds waaaay more badass than “Motorcycle gang.”
Cooler vehicle? They’re both red. They’re both fast. But between Kaneda’s motorcycle and Spike’s Swordfish, only one is up for interstellar travel. (It’s the Swordfish.) Winner? Spike “Interstellar Traveler” Spiegel.
Also? It shoots lasers!
I don't need a vehicle that shoots lasers. I've got a gun that does that.
Gets the girl? Kaneda and Kei end up being the rulers of Neo-Tokyo (which has been destroyed three times at this point, so good luck with that, kids). Spike dies. Also, he was mean to Faye up until the end, when they! would! have! made! such! a! cute! couple!! Winner? Kaneda. (Gods, Spike, you should’ve just hooked up with Faye already.)
Lives to fight another day? Winner? Kanedaaaaaa!
Overall winner? Spike Spiegel. But only barely. Mostly because of his spaceship.
Akira vs. Carrie
Two killer psychics/telekinetics walk into a room. Only one walks out. The other probably levitates or something, I don’t know.
On a more serious note (What? No! No serious notes! None!), Akira is the title character in the excellent manga Akira and the less-excellent movie Akira. Carrie is the title character in the Stephen King novel Carrie and the Sissy Spacek movie Carrie. (You already knew that, but I felt bad about introducing Akira and not introducing Carrie, you know?) Both are powerful telekinetics who rain down destruction on all those who would thwart them/have the misfortune of being in the nearby area.
I'm sorry, Akira, but it appears even Google likes Kaneda better than you. This was on the fifth page in; the rest were images of Kaneda.
I'm glad I didn't go to my prom.
Let the battle! Begin!!
Let’s just get physicality out of the way then, shall we? Akira’s a little boy and Carrie’s a teenage girl, so neither of them are really doing it for me. Although, when you compare cute little Akira to his prune-faced friends (seriously, click on the link; they look like hell), he really looks awesome. Winner? Well, Sissy Spacek’s kind of weird looking, so: Akira.
Locked in a? In Carrie’s case: closet. In Akira’s case: a chamber kept at absolute zero. Winner? Akira, because he got out of that thing.
Source of opposition? Akira had to face the military, other psychic-telekinetics and KANEDAAAA!! Carrie was victimized by her mother and some horrible teenagers. The winner? Hey, the military is evil and Kaneda is a god among perverted teenage Japanese boys, but teen girls are the real evil. Carrie, all the way.
Destroyed? In Carrie’s case, prom and most of her high school. Akira? Tokyo. Not just once. Not just twice. Three times. THREE TIMES did this kid destroy Tokyo. That’s more than Godzilla. (Editor’s note: It may not actually be more than Godzilla.) Winner? Akira, by a thrice-destroying-Tokyo margin.
Made Lokifire weep like a little girl at their fate? It’s a tie. I am a wimp when it comes to the underdog, even if the underdog basically has superpowers and could destroy me. O, Akira! You poor little cutie! If only they hadn’t forced you into that program! O, Carrie! You poor teenaged prom queen! If only your mom wasn’t such a nutjob!
Got to hang out with Kaneda? I really like Kaneda. Winner: Akira.
Overall winner: Akira. Kid’s got it going on.
Hollywood Hates Me 