So you think you’re dating a unicorn: A modern teen’s guide
Lately, you’ve noticed your boyfriend isn’t like the other mythical creatures. He’s more four-legged and neighs and eats hay and stuff.
Maybe my darling Timothy is a unicorn, you think, as you sit beside him at the drive-in theater, holding his hoof.
Also, in this scenario, you are Robocop.
But how can you be sure?
By using this handy-dandy checklist is how you can be sure! So let’s get to it.
1. Does he have a horn?
We’re not talking trumpets or cutesy little nicknames for his … well, you know. We’re talking a horn smack dab in the middle of his forehead.
Hold on just a minute while I GAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
2. Also, does he mostly look like a horse, except for that horn smack dab in the middle of his forehead?
Although some people claim that unicorns look more like goats.
And in China, they look more like this poor, confused bastard.
3. Are you a virgin?
Now don’t go blaming me for this. It’s just flat out well-known that this is a preference for unicorns. Unless, I suppose, you’re dating one that goes more for pureness of heart than for pureness of the lady bits.
"Yup, those are some pure lady bits, all right."
4. Does his horn (that we previously ascertained is an actual horn, not a trumpet and not a nickname like “Mr. Wiggles”) have magical properties?
Again, this horn is not in his pants.
5. When you go on dates, are you often refused entry as the clerk/shop owner/bartender points to the sign “No Pets Allowed”?
“He’s not a pet, he’s my boyfriend!” you might proclaim.
"That's sick," will be the inevitable reply.
6. Does that lady who married a dolphin laugh at your taste in men?
And she married one of the bastards of the sea!
Eh, he probably ripped off her face in one of the pictures we DON'T see.
7. Does Tim Curry keep pestering you two, wanting to rid the world of all goodness or something?
Oh, please, did you seriously think you were getting out of this thing without at least one Legend reference?
Tim Curry: a demon god among men.
8. When you talk about riding your boyfriend, you’re not actually talking about sex?
“Thanks to my darling Timothy, I always make it to school on time!”
9. Just for clarification: Horn. Middle of forehead. Not in pants.
Seriously, girls, just because your boyfriend says he has a horn doesn’t mean he’s a unicorn. It means he’s a teenage boy.
Or a narwhal.
10. When you’re served poison, does he dip his horn into it to neutralize its properties?
Apparently, unicorn horns can do that. Not teenage boys though, because what teenage boy in his right mind would go about dipping his tender bits in poison?
"Thank heavens for your boyfriend's magical horn! We all could have died if we had continued to drink that poison!"
 Well, there you go, ladies. You’re dating a unicorn.
And you're Darth Vader.
There’s only one Tom Cruise movie I have ever liked
Ta-Dah!
And that movie is Legend, because it’s got unicorns and fair folk and Tim Curry.
He's actually less scary like that.
And also: Mia Sara, which is way easier to pronounce than Mia Sarapocciello, the name she was born with.
I thought you weren't supposed to touch the UNICOOOOORN!!!!
And by the way, I haven’t seen Mia Sara in a film since Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and why did I watch that, anyway?
Oh, right, because it was the only thing on at that Japanese hotel where I suffered my first hangover ever.
What has the lovely Ms. Sara/Sarapocciello been up to lately?
Mia Sara got her start in Legend, which I already knew. Well, I didn’t know that was her first film, because who leaps directly from obscurity to starring role? She followed that up with Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, which I also already knew, but I guess I had forgotten those two movies came out so near in time to each other.
After that, I swear, she never saw the big screen again. (OK, maybe she did, but certainly not in movies I’ve ever heard of before.)
She followed up her role as Ferris Bueller’s girlfriend by starring in the TV movie Queenie, which makes me think of that PJ Harvey song “50 Ft. Queenie,” which is probably even dirtier than I think it is.
You know a woman who lounges around the house in outfits like this is thinking some dirty thoughts, all right.
Queenie is the story of a “half-caste beauty” (I know, right?) and her pursuit of fame and fortune. Possibly more interesting than the tale of an average-looking woman of ordinary descent pursuing mediocrity, but not possibly more interesting enough.
Hey, is Kirk Douglas even still alive? Is it insensitive to ask?
In 1988, she starred in a couple of films that aren’t even good enough to be sold as individual DVDs, and are packaged with other films of that same ilk. I know you think you want to know the names of these films, but really, it doesn’t matter.
She killed time in the ’90s by starring in more TV movies (or at least appearing in them; I actually got bored and didn’t click on the titles to check her billing), guest-starring on TV shows and more of those awful, awful movies that no one ever sees, except when they accidentally go in the wrong theater and then they’re too lazy to leave.
Or because sleeping in a movie theater is cheaper than sleeping in a hotel.
In 1994, she was in Timecop, so that’s … something.
- Ha, ha, ha, you can never unsee this image!!!
In the 00s, which I should hope you know I’m pronouncing in my head as “the aughts,” her most interesting thing was playing Dr. Harleen Quinzel in Birds of Prey, which I did know was a series, but did not know managed to last for a whole eight episodes.
- If IMDB hadn’t sworn it was true, I’d’ve never realized it was the same woman.
In 2007, she guest-starred on CSI:NY, because I guess Law & Order: SVU can’t cast everybody, but give them time, they will manage it.
Her most recent project is The Witches of Oz, which I see as a step up for her because Christopher Lloyd is in it, and what that he touches does not turn into gold, you know?
- I don’t think I’m overstating my point by calling him “The King Midas of the Silver Screen.” OK. Much.
Also, it’s got a hobbit. Not the one I’ve heard of.
- I prefer my hobbits to have cute little noses and star on Lost.
The other one.
- A thing I didn’t realize about Sean Astin is that he’s old enough to have been in The Goonies.
Oh, and she does have a pilot’s license, so that’s cool.
Fly, Mia, fly! (Note: not actually an image of Mia Sara flying.)
Hollywood Hates Me 