More adventure is what my life needs
So, last night, I dreamed that I was hanging out with Wolverine and we went out on this covert assassination mission and I woke up all disappointed, like: My friends never invite me out on covert assasination missions.
And would it hurt you guys to maybe TRY to have superpowers?
Sherlock Holmes vs. Sheldon Cooper
At the request of the lovely jennibennyfan, I now present this fictional character battle between Sherlock Holmes, the best fictional detective EVAH and Sheldon Cooper, a guy on a show I have never watched.
Oooh, I sure hope she picks me.
Prepare for the lopsidedness!
Physicality. Sherlock Holmes and Sheldon Cooper are both tall and thin. However, Benedict Cumberbatch is ever so attractive. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Plus he’s got these eyes and it’s like wow, you know?
Is on a sitcom? Sheldon Cooper is a character on the Big Bang Theory, which is a sitcom! Sherlock Holmes is not currently on a sitcom, although who knows what the future may hold. Winner? Sheldon Cooper.
He is, apparently, the breakout character, so congratulations to you, Jim Parsons!
Has a girlfriend? You know who doesn’t have a girlfriend, Guy Ritchie? Sherlock Holmes doesn’t, hasn’t and NEVER WILL. Sheldon Cooper is, I guess, kind of dating Blossom maybe, but I don’t know. Still, that’s closer than never dating Irene Adler, you stupidheads. Winner? Sheldon Cooper.
Suffers from a mental illness? Sherlock Holmes and Sheldon Cooper both display slightly autistic/OCD/sociopathic traits. So, yeah, they probably both mad as hatters. Winners? It’s a tie.
Here, Sherlock Holmes makes with the crazy eyes.
Is the best fictional detective of our, or any, generation? As I previously mentioned, Sherlock Holmes is the best fictional detective EVAH! Sheldon Cooper is some kind of genius scientist. Even if he turned to solving crimes, Sherlock Holmes is my favorite forever. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Has a undying bond of loyalty with one special person? Sheldon Cooper’s best friend is Darlene’s boyfriend from Roseanne. (As an aside, I was so relieved when I figured that out, because I kept seeing ads for Big Bang Theory and being all I know I recognize the curly-haired guy, but who is he? Oh, right, it’s whatsisname! Yeah, good ol’ whatsisname.) They are roommates who share a (decidedly small) circle of friends. You know who else is roommates? Sherlock Holmes and his bestie John Watson is roommates. They don’t share a circle of friends, because Sherlock Holmes only needs one friend and that is Watson. If he would ever like a second friend, I would like to put in a nomination for it to be me. I wouldn’t bring much to the table, except for food. Which two struggling bachelors would need. Call me, guys! Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Awwwwwwwww.
Fights evil on a regular basis? If Sherlock Holmes wasn’t busy fighting evil, he would probably be evil. So I guess fictional London can be grateful for that. Sheldon Cooper is a genius scientist, who maybe fights evil electrons, but I’m not sure there really is such a thing. Also, he stalked Stan Lee. That’s just awful. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Fights evil, considers taking poison. Whichever.
Has a weakness for his mum? I say mum to make it sound more British, but really, Sherlock Holmes hardly ever mentions his family, except for Mycroft, and only when he absolutely has to. So if he’s close with his mother, nobody knows it. On the other hand, Sheldon’s mother has been described as his Kryptonite. Which makes it sound like she is totally his weakness, don’t you think? Winner? Sheldon Cooper.
Has a deadly adversary? Sheldon Cooper has a long list of enemies, much like myself, but no one’s actively tried to murderize him yet, so … he’s cool, I guess. Sherlock Holmes has made enemies of most of fictional London’s fictional evildoers, including Moriarty and that guy with great aim, whose name escapes me right now. Anyway, people are always trying to kill the hell out of Sherlock Holmes. But never succeeding because he is the best. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Better fashion sense? Sheldon Cooper dresses like a wanker. There. I said it. Sherlock Holmes, on the BBC’s Sherlock, dresses quite snazzily and I wish he would come give clothing lessons to all the men I know. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Hey, Sheldon Cooper, you know who looks good in a Flash tee-shirt? No one. Not even the Flash.
This has gone on longer than I expected. I hope you’re happy, jennibennyfan.
Overall winner? In a completely unsurprising non-upset, Sherlock Holmes takes yet another fictional character battle.
I’m not sure even Elijah Snow could defeat him.
Working for a living
Look, all I am saying is that if someone was willing to pay me to be cute, I would try harder to be cute.
I would try at least this hard.
Bad Akira directors, bad!
So, apparently, the powers that be (moronic) want to cast Twilight’s Kristen Stewart as Kei in the live-action Akira movie. I’m starting to think that Hollywood actually is doing this on purpose, like make this movie just the worst movie it could possibly be because they know, no matter what they do, it will never live up to the original manga. Or anime, if you preferred it. So they’re all like, screw it, let’s cast the worst people ever and sit back and watch the otaku cry.
Chick best known for marrying a vampire playing badass rebel chick with psychic powers? Sure, I can totally see that not being a stretch for her. She's an actress!
Also, did you see they plan to make it a franchise?
Hollywood, what did I ever do to you to deserve this? What did we all do?
Somehow, we should have prevented this.
So you think you’re dating a unicorn: A modern teen’s guide
Lately, you’ve noticed your boyfriend isn’t like the other mythical creatures. He’s more four-legged and neighs and eats hay and stuff.
Maybe my darling Timothy is a unicorn, you think, as you sit beside him at the drive-in theater, holding his hoof.
Also, in this scenario, you are Robocop.
But how can you be sure?
By using this handy-dandy checklist is how you can be sure! So let’s get to it.
1. Does he have a horn?
We’re not talking trumpets or cutesy little nicknames for his … well, you know. We’re talking a horn smack dab in the middle of his forehead.
Hold on just a minute while I GAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
2. Also, does he mostly look like a horse, except for that horn smack dab in the middle of his forehead?
Although some people claim that unicorns look more like goats.
And in China, they look more like this poor, confused bastard.
3. Are you a virgin?
Now don’t go blaming me for this. It’s just flat out well-known that this is a preference for unicorns. Unless, I suppose, you’re dating one that goes more for pureness of heart than for pureness of the lady bits.
"Yup, those are some pure lady bits, all right."
4. Does his horn (that we previously ascertained is an actual horn, not a trumpet and not a nickname like “Mr. Wiggles”) have magical properties?
Again, this horn is not in his pants.
5. When you go on dates, are you often refused entry as the clerk/shop owner/bartender points to the sign “No Pets Allowed”?
“He’s not a pet, he’s my boyfriend!” you might proclaim.
"That's sick," will be the inevitable reply.
6. Does that lady who married a dolphin laugh at your taste in men?
And she married one of the bastards of the sea!
Eh, he probably ripped off her face in one of the pictures we DON'T see.
7. Does Tim Curry keep pestering you two, wanting to rid the world of all goodness or something?
Oh, please, did you seriously think you were getting out of this thing without at least one Legend reference?
Tim Curry: a demon god among men.
8. When you talk about riding your boyfriend, you’re not actually talking about sex?
“Thanks to my darling Timothy, I always make it to school on time!”
9. Just for clarification: Horn. Middle of forehead. Not in pants.
Seriously, girls, just because your boyfriend says he has a horn doesn’t mean he’s a unicorn. It means he’s a teenage boy.
Or a narwhal.
10. When you’re served poison, does he dip his horn into it to neutralize its properties?
Apparently, unicorn horns can do that. Not teenage boys though, because what teenage boy in his right mind would go about dipping his tender bits in poison?
"Thank heavens for your boyfriend's magical horn! We all could have died if we had continued to drink that poison!"
 Well, there you go, ladies. You’re dating a unicorn.
And you're Darth Vader.
A love letter to Raymond “Ray” Stantz
Dear Raymond Stantz,
I don’t mind if you thought of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
Stay Puft, Marshmallow Man. Stay Puft.
I love you.
I love you for your ghostbusting skills. I love you for your ability to call the Book of Revelation “Revelation” and not “Revelations,” because holy cow, does that drive me nuts. I love the way you know about ghosts and parapsychology and how you kind of look like Dan Akroyd.
I'm sorry, I meant: EXACTLY like Dan Akroyd.
You’re the heart of the Ghostbusters, Ray, and I’d like you to be my heart.
Wait, that doesn’t make sense.
What I’m saying, Ray, is I’d like to take you out for dinner, a quiet little Italian place maybe, and we could have white chocolate raspberry cheesecake for dessert if they have it, or quietly complain about how they don’t have white chocolate raspberry cheesecake for dessert if they don’t.
I like white chocolate raspberry cheesecake is all.
And then, Ray?
Well, I’d like to take you home and keep you.
On my shelf of "collectibles, not toys, dammit," preferably.
You are such a little cuddle bear.
(Oh, and Ray? By “take you home and keep you,” I actually meant “something that involves handcuffs and maybe a proton pack, if we’re feeling especially naughty.”)
(Don’t cross the streams, baby.)
(Or do, I guess.)
Cross the streams, don't cross the streams -- it's hard to remember which one destroys the universe and which one saves it.
Anyway, Ray, the next time someone asks you if you’re a god? You can say “yes,” because, baby, you’re the god of my heart.
(Crap, that still doesn’t make sense.)
I love you! And marshmallows! We’d be great together. Call me!
Although I guess I could call you, like the song says to and all.
My triumphant return!
All right, it’s not like I went anywhere or anything, but I’m back and funnier than ever! And to prove it, take a gander at this:
Q. How are elephants and plums alike?
A. They’re both purple, except the elephant.
Haaaaaa ... but seriously, folks, have I got hilarity in store for YOU. Just not right now is all.
An apology
Guys, I’m sorry. I know you’re counting on me to provide a few minutes of entertainment during your otherwise boring workday. (I mean, I assume.) And I’m so sorry, I’ve had time to post and … well … I just haven’t been able to come up with anything funny this week.
So until I’m back on form, here is a picture of a scary banana for you to enjoy:
Yeah, I hate bananas too.
Just a random observation
I think King Krunch is a great name for a monster truck.
It's got just the right amount of menace and just the right amount of misspelling.
Please enjoy this song about my life
The Go! Team’s Secretary Song (featuring Deerhoof’s Satomi) has a very jaunty beat, but makes me cry because it is so incredibly true. Is anyone hiring a copy-editor out there? Or a humor writer? Call me!
(Or, you know, just leave a comment below.)
(Unless you’re joking about hiring, you jerks.)
Hollywood Hates Me 