Mutants and time travel and young Magneto, oh my!
Wow.
So I guess I didn’t realize it was already opening weekend for X-Men: Days of Future Past, because didn’t Godzilla just open last weekend? That seems like a lot of geek properties all at once, like, jeez, maybe space it out so we can save up our movie-going money, ’cause movies are expensive.
Ha, and they’re standing in the shape of an X because people who design movie posters are all like: “Subtlety? I eat subtlety for breakfast.”
Anyway, it already is opening weekend, because if you’re going to spend a holiday weekend with your family, you might as well spend it at the movies, where you don’t have to talk with them.
“Sooo … you guys hate being around me as much as I hate being around you? That’s good to know.”
Especially because holy cats look at all the mutants and Wolverine is time-traveling for some reason (truth-telling time here: I love comic books, but I’ve never been big on the superhero ones, so I didn’t even know it was supposed to be Kitty Pryde doing the time-traveling until I read complaints on other blogs) and Michael Fassbender is saying things and so is Ian McKellen, and also Patrick Stewart and the guy who plays young Patrick Stewart is there and — oooh, is that Blink? It is! It is Blink! — and Sentinels blowing shit up but good!
I do know enough about superhero comics to know that Blink’s like a lady Nightcrawler.
Anyway, don’t bother me this weekend, I’ve got some immense geeking out to do.
Also some deep, girlish sighing.
Godzilla and the obesity debate
There’s been some outrage over the size of the newest incarnation of Godzilla (which seems silly, because shouldn’t we be complaining about pronouncing it wrong instead?), with Japanese fans of Gojira claiming the American version is too fat, like a schoolboy who’s had too many bags of potato chips.
My God, Tubby, aren’t you ashamed?
You know what? They’re right. Godzilla is too fat. With America in the midst of an obesity epidemic, do we really want our children going to the movies and seeing super-sized kaiju laying waste to nations? Children look up to monsters like Godzilla and Mothra, but mostly Godzilla, because who cares about radioactive moths or whatever.
“My mom cares.”
And they’re going to look at Godzilla and they’re going to say: “If Godzilla doesn’t have a thigh gap, why should I?” And their parents are going to say: “Because you’re not a radioactive mutant, sweetie,” and the kids will say: “Shut up, Parents, what do you know?” and then they’re going to eat another bowl of ice cream, because that’s what kids who want to grow up to be Godzilla do.
I didn’t actually expect anything to come up when I googled “Godzilla ice cream,” but marketing lesson learned, I guess.
It’s time for American filmmakers to take responsibility for their actions, and give modern audiences a leaner, healthier Godzilla. One who aerobicizes, maybe, if that’s still a thing people do.
“The 1980s called and they said it’s called ‘Zumba’ now.”
I know that this opinion might seem crazy, or maybe a bit out there, but, dammit, I love Japan and their radioactive monsters, and it’s time to give them the skinny monsters they deserve.
… that dance.
I wanna see the new Godzilla movie
I wanna see the new Godzilla movie (even though we pronounce it wrong), but my daughter doesn’t.
“But it’s got giant monsters destroying the earth, honey! How can a small child NOT want to see that happen?”
Sadly, pointing out that I’ve given up my social life for her isn’t having the desired effect.
“Nuh uh. You’re an antisocial nerd with a horrible personality, Mommy. You did this to yourself.”
Sad news x 2
So I just learned that H.R. Giger (a.k.a. the designer of the alien from Alien, one of the best movies ever, a large part of which was due to the excellent creature design) has died, and also that Denis Lawson won’t be returning for the Star Wars sequels.
I really do need to watch more British television, because he is SUCH a silver fox now.
Anyway, it’s a sad day in Lokiland.
Maybe looking up current pictures of Denis Lawson will cheer me up.
Also, I’m too young to be a grandmother
This morning, my grandson called from California. I called him an asshole and hung up.
“…And I definitely don’t have a grandson who sounds older than me!”
I Believe I’m pretty happy about this
So, NBC is pulling Believe from its lineup, which is great news, because my wee one just loves it and insists we watch it, and omigod, it is just terrible.
“But, Mom! Kids are totally underrepresented in television shows and we should support them.”
It’s not, like, actively terrible, like, I don’t know, The Following?, but it’s got so much wasted potential, it’s somehow almost worse. Like, the actress playing the little girl is good. Really good.
Despite Johnny Sequoyah having a boy’s name and that same creepy thing all Hollywood kids seem to have, she really is a brilliant actor, and I wish only the best for her.
And Delroy Lindo is good. And Kyle “Agent Cooper” MacLachlan is good. But, oh man, are their characters the absolutely most cliched stereotypes you’ve ever seen: Magical Girl, Former Bad Guy Who’s Grown A Conscience, Bad Guy Who’s Willing To Sacrifice Anyone For His Goals.
And all these other people, including White Guy In The Back That I Don’t Remember Being In Any Of The Episodes.
And it could have been a decent show, like the little girl has psychic powers and bad dudes are trying to get her (the pilot had, I thought, a neat little bit with this mercenary lady coming after her and being a stone-cold killer, except she’s really on a deadline because she’d like to get home in time for a special dinner with her mommy), and her dad’s been busted out of prison on his way to the electric chair (of course he was framed, because having him actually be a bad dude would be too interesting, and also living somewhere that death row inmates get executed, like, instantaneously and not, after years and years and YEARS of appeals), and there’s a badass lady traveling with them who is great in a fight, except for when it’s plot convenient that she’s not, and I SWEAR THERE WAS A GOOD SHOW IN HERE. But NBC boringed it all up, and thank GOD it’s finally going away.
Haaah, seriously, show, see you in hell.
Lately, I’ve been obsessed with Studio-Era Hollywood
The best thing about Studio-Era Hollywood, of course, was the amazing photographs of movie stars. So here’s a list of 10 great actors and photos, to show you that you’re wrong to like movies nowadays.
1. Norma Shearer
The best thing about Norma Shearer is that she had a wonky eye and stubby little legs, and she still embodied sexy sophistication.
2. Myrna Loy
Myrna Loy was from Montana, like me! Unlike me, she was often chosen to play Chinese people in films, because Hollywood in the ’20s and ’30s was pretty racist and stupid. Also, they still are today.
3. Anna May Wong
Meanwhile, the stunning Anna May Wong, a fourth-generation American of Chinese descent, was TOO Chinese to play Chinese roles.
Dammit, Studio-Era Hollywood, stop testing my love for you.
4. Joan Crawford
Joan Crawford might not have been the nicest person, but, damn, did she take a good photo.
5. Bette Davis
Young Bette Davis was kind of gorgeous, and any-age Bette Davis is totally deserving of so many songs in her honor.
6. Louise Brooks
For years, I wanted my hair to do the Louise Brooks thing, and finally someone pointed out to me: “Eh, your hair’s a bit curly for that, right?”
7. Gary Cooper
Tallulah Bankhead was once quoted as saying she came to Hollywood to bang the luscious Gary Cooper. I can’t imagine why.
8. Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart
OK, this is kind of cheating, because it’s two movie stars, but it’s such a sensual, awesome picture, it’s one of my absolute favorites.
9. Veronica Lake
Yet another hairdo I could never imitate. Also the body type. Whatever. Veronica Lake might have been a famous movie star, but I’m aerodynamic.
10. Carole Lombard
Carole Lombard: the precursor to all sexy comediennes.
Hollywood Hates Me 