Maybe your kid doesn’t WANT to be famous, Will Smith
Wikipedia says that After Earth is “a 2013 American science fiction film directed by M. Night Shyamalan that he co-wrote with Gary Whitta based on an original story idea by Will Smith.”
Wikipedia says a lot of things.
That … is a terrible combination of things.
And it is made worse (of course) by Will Smith wanting this to be a starring vehicle for his son, who does seem like a very nice boy, but maybe not quite ready for all these leading roles? Like, let him work his way up to it, huh, Will Smith?
Look at that face, Will Smith! He so obviously is only doing this to please you!
Anyway: After Earth. Will Smith stars as *snigger* Cypher Raige, because Will Smith is an 8-year-old boy, and Will Smith’s son stars as Kaita Raige, but I think he maybe really is an 8-year-old boy, and, also, that’s not his fault. The Raiges *snort* are on a mission to return to Earth, because this is the future and in every movie about the future this year, except that one with Evil Sherlock Holmes, has abandoned earth. Then there’s a terrible ship wreck and Kaita Raige *chuckle* has to learn to fight his fear and also a bunch of giant mutant animals because the tagline of the movie is: Danger is Real. Fear is a Choice.
Actually, I’m pretty sure Fear is a Biological Response.
Also, there’s not a twist, so that’s something.
Unless the twist is that it’s possible to do better CGI than this, but no one on this movie bothered.
“Devil” can go to hell
So I’m not a nice person. I think we all get that. And as a not very nice person, one of the things that gives me great pleasure is watching M. Night Shyamalan’s career implode.
Maybe I wouldn't dislike him as much if he didn't wear chokers?
(I mean watching it from afar, not actually going to any of his movies, of course.)
His newest piece of insanity is the locked-room horror movie Devil. It’s about people trapped in an elevator, and one of them is the devil. My vote is for the shifty guy in the suit, but maybe it’s the old lady, like in that movie with the killer angels.
Apparently, horror filmmakers are all secretly terrified of their grandmas.
The trailer tries to give everything this sense of impending doom, with its big white letters that have growing stems (just watch it, you’ll see what I mean) and its overwhelming sense of importance: “Today. Everything happens. For a reason.” (Like, what reason is that, trailer? What possible reason could the (a?) devil have for trapping a bunch of people in an elevator? Is reigning over hell that dull? I feel kind of bad for the guy if so. Jeez.)
OK, see how the "t" in "encounters" is longer than the other letters? Why did someone think that was a cool effect?
Also, I think filmmakers need to learn that they are no Alfred Hitchcock and they never will be. That man could make a closed-room movie like you wouldn’t believe, and he hated icy blondes. (He also loved them. He was a man of contrasts.)
Oh, Hitch. No director will ever again be as awesome as you.
I guess I should clarify that M. Night Whatsisname came up with the story for the movie. He didn’t direct it. Which still means there will still be some sort of spectacular twist, and no one will care.
Wait, what was the twist in The Village?
The good news is that the movie is only one hour and 20 minutes long.
So you’ll only be wasting that much of your life.
Unlike the poor actors, who probably had to film this thing for months. They got paid for it, though.
Eclipse vs. The Last Airbender
This is a battle for suck.
Seriously.
I was kind of looking forward to The Last Airbender, even though I don’t actually watch the cartoon because the people I know who do watch the cartoon say it’s a good cartoon and they are (mostly) people whose judgment I trust. But then I saw M. Night Shyamalan’s name attached to it (and you know what? Seriously, frak that guy and his last name, you know? How many vowels does it need??), and I went, Oh, well, never mind. But then I saw a trailer with all sorts of fancy special effects and I went, well maybe. But then I saw a review. And another review. And another. And it only has six percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes? Hell, Hudson Hawk got 21 percent.
One review says "This is the worst movie you will see all year," which makes me think, actually, maybe you SHOULDN'T see it, and then the worst movie you see all year will have been a good movie.
I mean, who even lets M. Night Shyamalan direct movies anymore? Shouldn’t they have seen the massive suck coming?
Come on! The man wears a choker! He's clearly an ass.
And then there’s the third Twilight movie: Eclipse, which I hate on general principle. I mean, werewolves vs. vampires has been done before, and with way more full-body leather suits.
Although I just imagined some of the Eclipse cast in leather, and some synapses in my brain collapsed.
Plus: It’s the third Twilight movie. Even if it’s infinitely better than the first two (which reviews lead me to believe it is), it’s still not infinitely better enough. Mopey vampires, werewolves and the average girl torn between them just makes for a cupful of fun for teens, but not so much for me. (And hopefully not so much for teenagers I kind of respect, because seriously, you guys, find an author who can actually write and then read a supernatural love triangle. Christ.)
Kids, pick up a Maggie Stiefvater novel instead. She works a love triangle like you wouldn't believe, and she actually knows how to make the English language not suck.
So hopefully The A-Team is still playing, and we can all watch that again.
(It was good, right? People who saw it, please assure me that it was good.)
I mean, it couldn't be better than a little people A-Team, but it could be pretty damn good.
Hollywood Hates Me 