Welcome back, Internet connection
Well, am I glad that hellish week of spotty Internet service is over! Or probably over. Or whatever.
Anyway, to celebrate, here’s a photo of Jessie Graff, who is the best:
I love you, Jessie!
And I’m sure once I get caught up on my work that I’ll have all sorts of funny and entertaining things to say, and definitely won’t be too depressed or something to update my blog.
Shhhh. I’m working.
A fun day at work
“Ma’am, are these comic books 50 cents?” said the woman, pointing to the box of comic books with a giant sign on it reading: “50 Cent Comic Books.”
“Yes, they are,” I replied.
“Also, maybe don’t breathe under the water, okay?”
After letting her 5- or 6-year-old son pick out a couple of comic books from the box of 50 Cent Comic Books, she brought them to the counter.
“Just so you know,” I said, “These are pretty mature books. Is it all right with you if he has them?”
“Oh, it’s not like he’ll read them, anyway,” she said.
“Comic books have pictures too,” I decided not to say.
“And I’m sure every picture in the comic book will be perfectly appropriate for a child of your son’s age.”
The greatest story ever told?
Welp, there’s a new Ben-Hur movie. Like, what was wrong with the best one?
I know you thought I meant this one …
… but clearly I’m referencing the silent classic starring Ramon Novarro!
Anyway, Morgan Freeman seems to be reprising his role from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, a movie I have now shamefully admitted that I have seen, wherein he plays the coolest character, but one who is far too black to be the main character.
Sorry, scratch that. Second coolest character.
Rest in peace, Alan Rickman, you magnificent bastard.
Also, the chariot race scene is soooo fake! Like, why not endanger some extras, huh? It’s not like they’re making enough money they can afford good lawyers for suing you! Why is it all CGI? Why is it all such obvious CGI?
“Because it’s cheaper than using real actors, duh.”
At least it doesn’t look as terrible as War Dogs, I guess.
And I know you thought I was joking earlier, but Ramon Novarro is just, like, so great.
Lyin’ Ryan rhymes, at least
Oh, Ryan Lochte.
Oh, Ryan Lochte, oh, Ryan Lochte.
You are just so stupid.
I mean, I always knew you were the stupidest Olympic swimmer of our generation, and that you tended to be a frat boy type, and that your hair looks really terrible blonde.
“Buh?”
But I never thought you would lie about getting mugged in Rio to cover up your own vandalism.
For all that’s good in this world, Ryan Lochte, you stupid, stupid man, you are 32 years old. Shouldn’t you know better by now?
God bless the New York Post, though.
Dora the Explorer vs. Stewie Griffin
So here it is, the epic battle you’ve all been waiting for (now that April Ross and Kerri Walsh Jennings took the bronze in beach volleyball, that is): Dora the Explorer vs. Stewie from Family Guy!
“What?” you’re saying. Or possibly “WTF” if you’re one of those hip young kids nowadays. “What could Dora the Explorer and Stewie from Family Guy possibly have in common?”
Well, I’ll tell you. Their heads are both shaped like footballs.
Now that you’ve seen it …
… you can’t unsee it!
So, on that exceedingly flimsy basis: On to the battle!
Physicality. Dora the Explorer is a cartoon girl with a head shaped like a football. Stewie from Family Guy is a creepy cartoon baby with a head shaped like a football. Who is more attractive? Well, you’ll notice I used the word “creepy” to describe one of them. The winner is the one who isn’t creepy. Winner? Dora the Explorer.
It probably helps that she has hair to disguise that football-shaped gourd of hers.
Goes on marvelous adventures? Dora the Explorer goes on marvelous adventures. Stewie from Family Guy, I don’t know, makes the same jokes over and over? (I, ah, don’t watch Family Guy. I kind of hate it. Probably this won’t go well for the creepy football-shaped head baby from Family Guy). Winner? Dora the Explorer.
“Oh, such adventures I had when I was a child, little ones. Now come sit round Granny’s lap and let me tell you all about it.”
Is friends with a talking animal? Well, isn’t this a coincidence! Dora the Explorer’s best friend is a talking monkey. Stewie from Family Guy’s best friend is a talking dog. What is up with cartoons, right? Winner? It’s a tie.
I suppose I could’ve said “Talking animal with a drinking problem” and just given Stewie this category, but I didn’t wanna.
Is more homicidal? Stewie the creepy awful murder baby from Family Guy wants to kill his mom, unless they’re done with that joke.
I suspect they’re not done with that joke.
Dora the Explorer wants to teach kids colors and shapes and things like that. She seems nice. Winner? Stewie from Family Guy.
Evil little creepy little awful murder baby that he is.
Knows how to use a map? You’d think it would be Dora the Explorer, right? But this is a trick question, because Dora has a map that flies and sings! (I think? It’s been a while since my kid was young enough to watch this show.) Anyway, whatever magical things Dora the Explorer’s map does, it’s not something a real map would do. But what of Stewie from Family Guy, you ask? Eh, he probably uses GPS. Winner? Nobody.
“No, kids, you’re ALL winners! Don’t do drugs.”
Overall winner in this fictional character battle that shows I’m desperately running out of ideas and need to be exposed to more characters from pop culture, STAT? Dora the Explorer, but only because I hate Family Guy so much.
The Parents Television Council agrees with me, though probably not because of how derivative and annoying it is.
Your semiannual Olympics squee!
SQUEEEEE! Did you see Simone Manuel win the gold in the women’s 100 free last night, and the way she’s the first African-American woman to ever win a gold in swimming?
And she tied with a Canadian swimmer, and they were both so happy, and it was SO COOL!
And speaking of Simones, did you see how awesome Simone Biles was at gymnastics?
And Aly Raisman took the silver and it was *sniff* SO MOVING.
Oooh, and Michael Phelps won another gold medal and then competed in the 100 fly!
And he was all like, “I’ve won four gold medals this Olympics, you guys!”
It was SO EXCITING!!!!!
So: SQUEEEEEEEE!
Our Sports section is the worst, seriously
You know I love the Olympics, right? So I’ve been following the Summer Games pretty faithfully, staying up way past my bedtime and such.
I LOVE YOU, OLYMPICS!!!!!
And last night, swimmer Katie Ledecky won her second gold of this year’s Olympics, and Michael Phelps (I feel like I shouldn’t need to identify him as a swimmer, because he’s the one everybody’s heard of) won two more golds, which means he officially has enough gold medals to finance his career as a supervillain.
“Ouch, my neck.” – Michael Phelps, gold medal-winningest athlete of ALL TIME.
And you know what our local paper had about the Olympics in the sports section?
An article about Olympic athletes hooking up on Tinder.
Which is interesting and all, and would be even more interesting if my favorite Olympic athletes were looking to hook up with out-of-shape schlubs from Montana on Tinder, but … maybe not worthy of being the only article about the Olympics in the sports section?
Seriously, an article about athletes hooking up on Tinder? What the hell, sports section?
The worst hold music ever
All y’all, I am on hold right now, and the hold music is literally “haunted evil carnival calliope music.”
It is terrifying.
The murder clowns are … right behind me now, aren’t they?
You guys can tell what’s wrong here, right?
The headline for the Suicide Squad review in today’s paper reads:
“Marvel antiheroes no antidote for ‘Suicide Squad’.”
Every single person I’ve mentioned it to has been like, “Um, is ‘Squad’ spelled wrong or something?”
But you guys know, right?
RIGHT?
No, no, I have faith in you, it’s just — here’s a hint.
Suicide Squad seems soundly sucktacular
But at least I got to go sibilance-mad in my post title, so that’s something!
I mean, I’m kind of afraid to say it looks terrible, because the fanboys are so mad at critics who have actually seen it and are like, “Yeah, it is terrible,” but, you guys, it looks just SO TERRIBLE.
I mean, even the poster is a mess.
(Not Will Smith, though. Will Smith looks really good.)
(Although I recently read that they’re using CGI to make actors look younger than they are, so it might just be magic, I don’t know.)
Every time I saw a trailer, I was like: “Is that Will Smith? No, it can’t be Will Smith, because Will Smith is, like, old now, right?”
I mean, it looks like it’s everything it’s advertised to be. Harley Quinn is, like murderous and sexy (I guess? Margot Robbie does nothing for me, but, hey, to each their own). Killer Croc is all mutated, Deadshot is Will Smith, the Joker seems like a real jackass (or is it that Jared Leto seems like a real jackass?), Katana seems quiet and head-choppy, and then there’s the other ones.
We’ll call them “Skull Face Tattoo Guy,” “Mr. Upturned Coat Collar” and “Guy Who Probably Gets Killed First.”
(Look, I really don’t care about the other ones.)
(Actually, I don’t care about any of these ones, because my all-time favorite Batman villain is and always shall be Two-Face!)
And if I wasn’t at work, I’d drop everything and go reread Arkham Asylum.
But everything it’s advertised to be is … well, for 12-year-old boys. And as terrible as my sense of humor is, I am not a literal 12-year-old boy.
So, you guys, this movie looks, like, so terrible.
Seriously, the posters aren’t even trying.
Hollywood Hates Me 