A love letter to Father Tres Iqus
Dear Father Tres,
I don’t want the fact that you’re a (gunslinging android) priest to be a barrier to our love. In fact, part of the reason I love you is because you’re a priest! The other part of the reason is the gunslinging android thing, because who doesn’t love a gunslinging android? (Other than my mom, who always rolls her eyes and mutters something about “where did I go wrong?” and “at least I have your brother” when I talk about androids, gunslinging or no.)
C'mon, Mom, how can you not love an android with snazzy hair like that?
In fact, Father Tres, if I had to sit down and come up with my favorite thing about you, it would be the gunslinging. With the “android priest” part coming in a close second.
Yeah. Definitely the gunslinging.
And let’s not let the androidness of yourself get in the way of our love! I mean, things worked out for Helo and Athena, right?
Gods, they are so pretty.
I mean, sure, you’re 600 pounds of pure killing machine, but that’s all right. I love you for it! I love the way you’re shooting things and speaking all robotically. That’s so hot, Father Tres.
You are the only reason I keep reading the Trinity Blood series, Father Tres.
And I’m sure you’re wondering right now what I would bring to our relationship, and I am telling you: absolutely nothing. Do you know why, Father Tres? It’s because you’re an android, and thus can be programmed to love me despite (or perhaps even because of!) my foibles. I like the word foibles, and with the help of a wrench, soon you will too, Father Tres!
So ditch that damn Abel Nightroad and give this some consideration. Like, .7 seconds worth.
If he spent more time shooting things and less time being all wishy-washy, I'm sure I'd like him better.
Kisses!
And if you're not available, could you get me this guy's number?
Olympic athletes who are PROBABLY not androids
But maybe they totally are, I don’t know.
1. Apolo Anton Ohno.
This is a really cool photo. I don't feel like saying anything snarky here. That is all.
Why he could be an android: Because is it really humanly possible to compete in short track speed skating at that many Olympics and not lose a finger here or there?
Why he’s actually not an android: Androids probably wouldn’t go Hollywood as quickly as Ohno did, unless they were designed to do that.
2. Johnny Weir.
Why he could be an android: Because only an android could make that many people care about figure skating.
Why he’s actually not an android: Because C3PO is the only flamboyantly gay robot in existence.
The infamous fox fur uniform! Hey, PETA, the fox was already dead, how could he NOT wear it?
3. Shaun White.
Why he could be an android: Because androids are awesome and snowboarding is also awesome? Seriously, the Flying Tomato (*snicker*) totally should have had his head taken off in an accident a few weeks back. Why didn’t he? Because he’s an android.
Why he’s actually not an android: Because no self-respecting android would let anyone nickname it the Flying Tomato (*snicker*), I don’t care how red its synthetic hair is.
That hair's not synthetic, though, which is probably for the best.
4. Evan Lysacek.
Why he could be an android: Like Father Tres before him, this guy has mastered the art of the piercing stare that makes you wee your little girly pants right before he shoots you/figure skates.
This is not Evan Lysacek.
But I can see how you would be confused.
Why he’s actually not an android: He probably just mastered that piercing stare because so many people were like, “Oh, figure skating, yeah, that’s gay.” Piercing stare. “Well, maybe it’s not that –” Piercing stare. “Christ, man, I’m sorry! Stop looking at me! I’m so sorry!”
5. Lindsey Vonn.
Mother Nature is her bitch. (I've decided I'm going to use "(something) is (blank)'s bitch" more often.)
Why she could be an android: Because, really, can the human body actually travel at those speeds without falling into little bloody pieces all over the course?
Why she’s actually not an android: As painful as a bruised shin can be (speaking from horrible car wreck experience), it wouldn’t stop an android. Of course, it hasn’t stopped Ms. Vonn here, either, so maybe she totally is an android. Awesome.
6. J.R. Celski.
Why he could be an android: Speaking of surviving painful injuries, this guy totally slashed his leg open with his own figure skate after a short-track speed skating pileup. He “recovered” (read as:Â “was repaired”)Â in time to win bronze at the Olympics.
Why he’s actually not an android: Well, I’ve watched the footage of that accident, and that was totally blood. A lot of blood. Holy cow blood! Damn you, NBC! Seriously, he’s just a really awesome human with a supra-nasty thigh scar.
And a bit of a baby face, awwwww.
7. Lindsay Jacobellis.
Why she could be an android: In addition to being an awesome athlete, this snowboarder has gorgeous hair. Snowboarders don’t have gorgeous hair. I mean, have you seen the Flying Tomato (*snicker*)?
Look at that hair! What kind of product does she use? It's beautiful!
Why she’s actually not an android: Because then we wouldn’t keep hearing the story about how she took the silver at the 2006 Olympics by making a very non-android move. (Showboating.)
8. Dale Begg-Smith.
Why he could be an android: I don’t know. He’s called the “International Man of Mystery” or something equally dramatic. It’s because he doesn’t like to talk to the press … probably because he’s an android.
Why he’s actually not an android: Or he doesn’t want to talk to the press because they are going to ask him about his business, which is spamming. And, thanks to Asmiov’s laws of robotics, we know that robots can’t harm humans in a manner that cruel. He’s totally human.
Incidentally, I've always imagined spammers looking like this, only fatter.
9. Rachael Flatt.
Why she could be an android: Jeez, she’s a 17-year-old high school student who’s on the honor roll, in the Olympics as the top qualifying U.S. female ice skater and wants to attend an Ivy League college to study biomechanical engineering or medicine. Oh, and she seems really, really nice. No human can do all that.
And just soooooo cute!
Why she’s actually not an android: If she was really an android, she would probably use all that android energy to commit acts of some sort of evil. (Yes, I’m ignoring Asmiov’s Laws here, even though I cited them earlier. I’m capricious like that!)
10. Anyone in curling.
Why they could be androids: Because, really, you would have to be programmed to want to compete in/watch this “sport.”
Why they’re actually not androids: No. They totally are.
If you're not using these to bash your opponent's tender bits, then I think you're doing it wrong.
Are you dating a vampire? A modern teen’s guide.
Look, I know I pick on Twilight mercilessly, but you know what? It’s really easy and I’m the lazy sort.
Here’s 10 ways to tell if the guy you’re dating is a vampire or not.
1. Does he watch you while you sleep?
... or is he watching THE CAMERA?
Are you sleeping in the same bed and you fell asleep before him? He’s probably not a vampire.
Did he sneak into your house to watch you sleep? He’s a stalker, but he could also be a vampire.
Before he sneaked into your house to watch you sleep, did he have to be invited inside? He could be a vampire, but he could also be a stalker with some OCD tendencies.
Is he watching you sleep while he’s floating near your ceiling? Congratulations! You’re either on the moon, or you’re dating a vampire.
2. Does he hate sunlight?
Also, if he looks like this and he hates sunlight, yeah, you're dating a vampire.
Does he have that one disease where people are allergic to sunlight? He’s not normal, and you’re doomed to a dim lifestyle, plus he probably isn’t otherwise too particularly healthy, but he’s not a vampire.
Does he freckle easily? He could just be normal and embarrassed.
Does he wear black a lot and sunglasses at night? If he’s also wearing more lipstick than you, he is probably a goth and not a vampire at all. (Are there still goths anymore? Kids nowadays, I swear.)
Does he sparkle in the sunlight? He’s not a vampire, he’s a glam rocker.
Does he burst into flames when sunlight strikes his body? Congratulations! Get that boy under a blanket stat, you’re dating a vampire!
3. When you ask how he knew where to find you, does he say things like, “I could smell you”?
Smells like ... (insert witty joke here).
Have you considered bathing more frequently? Or perhaps it’s your excessive perfume.
Does he have a hyperactive sense of smell? You will never sneak a silent fart past this guy.
Maybe he’s actually a werewolf? Could be.
Did he actually say “I could smell your blood”? And then he described how your blood smelled and got this crazy look in his eyes, tried not to drool and moaned, “I can’t help myself”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.
4. Does he recoil at the sight of a crucifix?
GAAAAAHHH! The swirls! They burn! They BURN!!
Did he grow up in an uber-religious house? He could just be experiencing some sort of religious backlash.
Is the crucifix a little on the gaudy side? Perhaps he’s just showing good judgment.
Is he Jewish? You might want to ask if he’s Jewish. It will save you Christmas-related embarrassment.
As he recoils from said crucifix, does he also hiss and cover his face and possibly turn into smoke? Congratulations! Either this guy takes his atheism seriously, or you’re dating a vampire!
5. Does he have a large family and none of them look very much alike?
Of course, in Hollywood, EVERYONE looks alike. It's the law.
Is he adopted? He could be adopted. If he is, does he know he’s adopted? You might have to be the one to break the news.
Is he a damn hippie? Damn hippies oftentimes think of mankind at large as their “family.” (Dump him! Damn hippies!)
I hate to put it indelicately like this, but was his mom a slut? I mean, she could have 10 different baby daddies, and that could explain why none of his siblings look like him.
Does his “family” all talk about blood a lot and “keeping our true identities secret” and sometimes they talk about the Civil War like they were there and then be like, “Oops, I mean I read that in a history book!” and get all fidgety and awkward? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.
6. Does he mention “lost loves” in a melancholy way?
Actually, my lost love looked EXACTLY like you. How's that for a coincidence, huh? I mean, it's coincidental! Totally!
Is he a bit of a drama queen? He could just be a drama queen.
Is he your history teacher? Your parents should probably be informed.
Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? Maybe they were really awful and he just wants to pretend they’re decades-long dead.
Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? And they actually are? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, because an android wouldn’t be so damned sentimental.
Plus, he'd shoot you soon as look at you.
7. Does he drink a red liquid out of a wine goblet, but won’t let you have any?
Oh, for the love of --! It's spilling all over!
Is it wine? Maybe you act like a big goober when you’re drunk.
Is it blood? He could have some sort of fetish, like those glam rockers I mentioned earlier.
Is it blood and he gets weak and withers away if he doesn’t have a glass of it every night? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, or an actor who’s taken “The Method” to extremes.
8. Has he bitten you?
OK, ewwww, your boyfriend is SO undead.
Have you tried relaxing a little? Some people find that sort of thing erotic.
Have you told him you don’t find it erotic and he does it anyway? He’s a jerk, and he’s hoping you’ll bite him back.
Has he tried not biting you, but then says something about how he can feel your blood and it’s like the heavens and earth colliding and then he’s at your neck like some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire! (Or some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech.)
9. Did he go see Twilight with you?
You didn't think it might make him a LITTLE uncomfortable?
Does he want in your pants really bad? Seriously, why would you make your boyfriend go to Twilight with you? I think you’re the asshole in this scenario.
Is he gay? My best gay friend always wants to see romantic comedies, which is why we never go to the movies together.
Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!”? He could just be a purist.
Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!” and then follow it up with, “Er, not that I would know or anything, because I’m just your average, everyday guy.”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire who is also a bad liar.
10. Does nothing kill him except a stake through the heart?
Is he Michael Myers? The stake probably won’t work either. Nothing kills that guy.
Is he Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop? Don’t worry, he’ll die in the series finale.
You’ve got to ask yourself, why are you staking this guy through the heart? If the answer is “Because he’s a vampire,” then congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.
Nah, that's just how I dump people.
Things that could replace Keanu Reeves in his pre-existing roles
We already know that if there’s one thing Lokifire hates, it’s when Keanu Reeves gets cast in movies. (There’s not one thing Lokifire hates, though, and I think we’ve established that with the creation of a blog with the word “Hates” in the title.)
Here is a list of movies where Hollywood put Keanu Reeves into a role instead of an actual actor, and what could replace him in said role.
(I love to introduce lists with “Here is a list”!)
1. John Constantine in Constantine.
Who should’ve been cast: The guy from Memento.
Is it ironic if I can't remember his name?
Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.
Suggested replacement? A brown trenchcoat. Unlike Reeves, a brown trenchcoat will at least remind viewers of John Constantine, the chain-smoking British demon killer who wears brown trenchcoats sometimes. Also, acting.
Yeah, Keanu Reeves is the first person who comes to mind when I think "Hellblazer."
2. Johnny Mnemonic in Johnny Mnemonic.
Who should’ve been cast: It doesn’t matter. This movie would’ve stunk to high heaven no matter what.
Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.
Suggested replacement: A calculator.
I know you'll find this hard to believe, but Reeves wears this exact expression on his face for the entirety of the film.
3. Kevin Lomax in The Devil’s Advocate.
Who should’ve been cast: Brad Pitt.
Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.
Suggested replacement: A bowl of tapioca, which would tremble appropriately in the presence of the Great Pacino.
Lumpy, yet with a hint of personality. Unlike Keanu Reeves.
4. Klaatu in The Day the Earth Stood Still.
Who should’ve been cast: Father Tres.
Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.
Suggested replacement: A copy of Trinity Blood, with a picture of Father Tres on the cover. At least Father Tres, an android, can display some dramatic range. Even in a drawing.
I like Father Tres. He'll shoot you good.
5. Alex Wyler in The Lake House.
Who should’ve been cast: Dylan McDermott.
Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.
Suggested replacement: A telephone, to make things easier for Sandra Bullock. Because she was phoning it in!!!! (I’m sorry, I know you got the joke immediately.)
Ha ha ha ha! Phoning! It in!
6. Jonathan Harker in Dracula.
Who should’ve been cast: Ethan Hawke.
Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.
Suggested replacement: A wooden spoon, with the end sharpened. The better to stake Gary Oldman’s Dracula with!
The wooden spoon's triumphant return!
7. Shane Falco in The Replacements.
Who should’ve been cast: Duane Johnson, if he was famous in 2000.
Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.
Suggested replacement: Keanu Reeves, but in a mascot uniform, because it doesn’t make any difference if we can see his face or not, because he is as wooden as a wooden house that was made with wooden nails, and all the furniture is wood and the stove is made of wood and the people living there are also wood. So! Wooden!
A fun game is imagining that Keanu Reeves is inside this costume.
8. Detective Tom Ludlow in Street Kings.
Who should’ve been cast: John Cena.
Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.
Suggested replacement: Olivia Wilde. She’s just as wooden as Keanu Reeves, but at least she’s spent some time working with Hugh Laurie on the set of House.
Plus, she's got a wider range of facial expressions: Pensive and slightly pensive.
9. David Allen Griffin in The Watcher.
Who should’ve been cast: That kid from Twilight, but only if he can time travel, because otherwise he would’ve been, like, 5.
Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.
Suggested improvement: Mashed potatoes. They’re about as threatening as Reeves, except he is scarier when he shows interest in playing Spike Spiegel in Cowboy Bebop. That terrifies me.
Bladness! It's what's for dinner. In Hollywood. Because Keanu Reeves = bland. Sigh.
10. Neo in the Matrix.
Who should’ve been cast: Takeshi Kaneshiro.
The best thing about having a blog is coming up with excuses to do an image search for Takeshi Kaneshiro.
Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.
Suggested replacement: A neopet. It’s already got the word “Neo” in its name.
Errrr, no. I changed my mind.
The Terminator vs. Father Tres
“But who is Father Tres?” you ask (I told you already, I can heeeeaarrr you).
Father Tres, codenamed Gunslinger, is the gunslinging (hence the code name, I suppose) android priest from the Trinity Blood light novels/manga/anime.
“Look,” you say. “I’ve heard of The Terminator, but what the hell is Trinity Blood?”
It’s not important. All that matters is that Father Tres Iquis is a gunslinging android priest, which is possibly the coolest combination of things to be ever except for that upcoming movie, Ninja Assassin.
Because there's nothing cooler than a ninja assassin, unless it is an ANDROID ninja assassin.
So how does a gunslinging android priest fare in competition against the well-known-est android of all?
Sooooooo. Gunsling-y!
"Governator" was a headline that totally made me giggle.
Let’s find out, shall we?
Physicality. If we’re counting sheer size alone, Ahhh-nold (yes, I will insist on referring to him in that manner, as I have already told you I can’t spell his name!) wins, because he is one massive fellow. However, we all know that Lokifire doesn’t grade on muscle mass and ignore a pretty animated face. Winner? The petite, 600-lb (or so) Father Tres.
Coolest codename? The Terminator’s codename (?) is “The Terminator.” Father Tres Iquis’s codename is “Gunslinger.” Holy leaping cats, Batman! Those are both supra-awesome codenames! In conclusion, it’s a total damn tie. I mean, could you pick “Gunslinger” over “The Terminator” or vice versa? You couldn’t, could you? It’s a total draw, isn’t it? So! Awesome!
Coolest catchphrase. The Terminator has two: “I’ll be back” and “Hasta la vista, baby.” They’re cooler if you imagine Ahhh-nold saying them. Father Tres doesn’t seem to have a catchphrase, although he often tells his enemies what fraction of a second too slow they are, which is really kind of an asshole move. Could someone have programmed him to have a little discretion? Jeez. Winner? The Terminator.
Fighting for the best cause? The Terminator starts out all evil, but then he’s fighting to save humanity, and then there were some other movies that I never saw. Father Tres has always been programmed to protect humanity … from VAMPIRES! (It’s a really weird series, OK?) Winner: It’s another tie, although I’m not sure humanity is really the best cause out there, but whatever.
Coolest robotic series? The Terminator is from the 800 series of robots. Father Tres comes from the “Killing Doll” series. Oooooooh, “Killing Doll” sounds totally cool, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it?! Winner? Father Tres.
Fought something made of liquid metal? You’d think this would be a gimme for The Terminator, wouldn’t you? Well, you’re right, it is, because they quit translating the Trinity Blood novels into English, and until I learn Japanese or they make a better anime, I don’t know what happens later on in the series. Winner? The Terminator.
Remember when you first saw this scene? Gods, wasn't it soooo cool?
Possibly a cyborg and not an android at all? Nope, no matter what wikipedia thinks, The Terminator is not made from any human bits. Well, maybe they peeled the skin of some human in the future, but I don’t think that’s how it worked? Father Tres, on the other hand, has, like, part of a human’s brain in his program or something (it’s a really, REALLY weird series). Winner? Father Tres.
Most likely to shoot you full of holes as soon as look at you? If you’re an evil vampire, you’re facing some serious trouble from Father Tres. Otherwise, you’re pretty much safe. He’s been programmed not to shoot innocent humans. If you’re dealing with the old-school Terminator, the answer is yes, he will shoot you up till you look like a piece of Swiss cheese. That is bleeding. However, Edward Furlong’s character totally neutered the poor Terminator, and now he doesn’t kill anybody. Winner? It’s a tie in sadness.
Coolest outfit? The Terminator totally stole some fat biker’s leather clothes. That’s so cool! But Father Tres dresses like a priest who carries around a ton of guns. Winner? Father Tres.
Overall winner? Apparently, you can’t get any cooler than being a gunslinging android priest, but The Terminator comes as close as anybody.
Hollywood Hates Me 