Yeah, so, apparently Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher had a torrid affair during the filming of Star Wars, which would be cool, because, like, wow! Han and Leia were really in love, that’s great, but it’s not cool because Harrison Ford was totally married and Carrie Fisher was totally only 19, and now one of my favorite movie romances is ruined!
Thank God I have my other favorite movie romance to fall back on.
So Disney has cast Alden Ehrenreich to play young Han Solo, like anyone cares who they cast to play young Han Solo if they didn’t bother to invent a time machine and bring a confused (but game!) young Harrison Ford to the future.
In this corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.
In the other corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.
OH GOD WHO WILL WIN????
Onward to the battle!
Physicality. Sherlock Holmes isn’t supposed to be handsome, but lately he’s been played by these attractive actors, like Basil Rathbone (lately?) and Benedict Cumberbatch. Han Solo, on the other hand, looks like Harrison Ford. Winner? Han Solo. Because he looks like Harrison Ford.
Better sidekick? Sherlock Holmes’s sidekick is the ever-faithful, ever-ignoring-his-clients Dr. John Watson. Han Solo’s sidekick is Chewbacca the Wookiee, whom Spellchecker hates. Chewie is an 8-foot-tall hair monster who rips off people’s arms when he loses at space chess. He says “Ahrrr” a lot. Winner? Han Solo, because Chewbacca is awesome.
Is an interstellar space pilot? Sherlock Holmes lives in the 19th and early 20th century, where space travel was nothing more than a mad pipe dream. Also, he didn’t even know the earth was round, so he’d probably be just terrible at space piloting anyway. Han Solo, however, is an interstellar space pilot. Winner? Han Solo.
Comes back from certain death? Sherlock Holmes was dead for 10 years after being tossed over the edge of the Reichenbach Falls (spoiler alert: he never fell). He came back. Han Solo? … Not so much. Winner? Sherlock Holmes, because suck it, death.
Doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? You know who has a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Leia Organa Skywalker Solo, that’s who. Also, her baby daddy, Han Solo. You know who doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Sherlock Holmes. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Solves more crimes? Han Solo is a smuggler. A smuggler in space! He is definitely not solving any crimes. Committing them, sure. Solving them, not so much. Sherlock Holmes is a genius detective, the likes of which the world has never seen. He solves crimes like *insert cliche here*. He is a crime-solving machine. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Has a cooler love interest? Sherlock Holmes doesn’t like ladies, or love, or anything except John Watson and cocaine and solving crimes. Han Solo fell for the ultra-badass Princess Leia, who is now a badass general. She is the coolest. Winner? Han Solo.
Has a light saber? Haaah, this is a trick question. Luke Skywalker has a light saber. Han Solo just has a laser gun. Winner? Nobody.
Wears a more iconic costume? True story: When I was in college, I dated a guy who idolized Han Solo , and wore cowboy boots and vests for years of his childhood in an effort to match his hero’s unique style of dress. That’s pretty iconic! Also, a really lame anecdote. But Sherlock Holmes has the deerstalker cap and cape! Winner? It’s a tie.
Is winning this fictional character battle? Han Solo, barely.
Is that a surprise? Well, Sherlock Holmes always wins these things. But Han Solo is Han Solo, you know?
So he’s going to come out ahead? … Maybe?
Overall winner? I know this is going to be hard to believe, fellow Holmesians, but … Han Solo. Han Solo is the overall winner. I … think I might cry.
Hold onto your hats, everybody, because there’s a new Jurassic Park movie coming out!
That is so exciting! We needed a new Jurassic Park movie! It’s not like there’s been at least several already made!
Now that all that phony enthusiasm is out of my system, I’d like to address my most pressing complaint about Jurassic World (other than that why do we need a new Jurassic Park movie, I seriously don’t get it): Chris Pratt as the heir apparent to Harrison Ford.
I get that he’s cute and charming, I guess, but I can’t tell him apart from the other half-dozen guys who look just like him.
Maybe I need to see a movie that he’s in. Maybe that would help. Can someone tell me what movies he’s in? Because I don’t think I’d recognize him without help.