Knowing = Battle/Half
The new G.I. Joe movie comes out today and there is really only one thing you need to know before deciding to see it. That one thing is: Did Ray Park return as Snake Eyes?
SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!!
The answer is: YES GET YOUR ASS TO THE MOVIE THEATER STAT! Ray Park’s gonna do stuff!
Like fight other ninja on a cliff, suspended by ropes, this will be the best movie EVAH!
Unicorn horns for all! Especially cats!
I want an inflatable unicorn horn for my cat.
Not so much because I love unicorns (but who doesn’t love unicorns, amiright?), but because my cat is a jerk.
I love that the ad declares “Cats love it!”, because, shyeah, like cats love anything.
Whole lotta new movies coming out this weekend
Like, we’ve got Admission, which I think would be fun to buy tickets to, so you can ask for “admission to Admission,” unless you’re one of those boring types who just says, “Two tickets for Admission, please.” But why would you do that?
“Because I love Tina Fey and hate stupid jokes?”
Also, there’s The Croods, which is animated, so you don’t have to (get to?) see Nic Cage make with the crazy eyes.
“Hi! We’re from the Uncanny Valley. Nice to meet you!”
Plus there’s Olympus has Fallen, which sounds like it has tons of violence, so that might make up for it, you know, existing.
Gerard Butler: Refusing to star in good movies since 2003.
In addition: InAPPropriate Comedy, which … Really? Really? Someone greenlit this title? And you didn’t like my “admission to Admission joke.” Ha.
“That’s because it’s not a joke. At best, it’s a play on words.”
We’re also getting Spring Breakers, so there you go. Like, a half-dozen (go to hell, counting!) reasons not to go to the movies this weekend.
Unless you like boobs, I guess. Then you should go.
Bird feet should be attached to birds, always
So a thing I didn’t realize would be a new horror to trouble me is disembodied bird feet. First there was the chicken feet at that Halloween party I went to. Now there’s my neighbor, putting dead geese on his garage roof, and then pieces of the dead geese blow off into our yard so that when myself, my daughter and our dog are innocently playing in the yard, we come across a lone goose foot.
Our reactions were varied and as follows:
My daughter: “Cool, is that a bird foot?”
My dog: “I’m totally going to eat that when you’re not looking.”
Me: “OH GOD IT’S A FOOT THERE’S A FOOT IN THE YARD GAHHHHHH A FOOT SOMEONE GET ME LIKE TWELVE PLASTIC BAGS AND A SHOVEL WITH A REALLY LONG HANDLE TO GET THAT TO THE GARBAGE BECAUSE IT’S A FOOT IN OUR YARD GAHHHHH.”
Dear God, will the nightmare never END?
So you think you’re trapped in a poorly-written fan fiction: A modern teen’s guide
Lately, you’ve noticed your life is filled with grammatical errors, punctuation mistakes, poor spelling and way more deviant fetishes than you’re used to. Does that mean you’re trapped in a poorly-written fan fiction?
Almost certainly!
But to find out for sure, please use this handy guide as a reference.
1. Do you often get the feeling you’re a Mary-Sue type stand-in for someone else? Like, maybe you’re just an average girl with the character trait of “clumsiness” so people won’t think you’re perfect, but all the hot boys in town love you.
“You killed my father, prepare to die?”
2.When people around you talk, do they often resort to overblown romantic cliches? Perhaps they say things like “You are my life now” or “I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.”
Trick question! This just means you’re hanging out with a sparkly vampire.
3. Are you having lots of kinky sex? Like, with dinosaurs and stuff?
This dinosaur thinks you probably shouldn’t click that link.
4. Alternately, are you having, like, no sex, because it’s important to wait? But it’s OK, because then he can watch you while you sleep and stuff, which is really romantic and not stalker-y at all.
Hey, it’s cool if he’s a vampire.
5. Do you notice a distinct lack of punctuation when you talk, think or otherwise anything? I guess you could be in one of those “stream-of-consciousness” novels, but those are usually written by writers that can spell.
Good spelling aside, I really didn’t enjoy this book.
6. On a related note, how is the spelling in your life? Sure, in everyday life, you’re bound to come across the bad speller here and there, but is, like, everything spelled wrong? Like, you can’t even seem to spell your own name the same way twice in one paragraph? And it’s not even a long paragraph, but a pretty short one?
7. But ignoring all the spelling and punctuation errors in fan fiction that drive me nuts, have you noticed another staple of a bad fanfic? That is, random characters showing up that have nothing to do with your life? Like, say, you live in Twin Peaks, and all of a sudden Bilbo Baggins shows up. With a velociraptor.
“For god’s sake, don’t click this link either!”
8. Or do people who would never ever have sex with each other start having sex with each other? Because that happens a lot in fan fiction, which is why slash fiction exists.
9. Perhaps you’ve noticed people wearing tee-shirts extolling the virtues of the poorly-written fan fiction you’re trapped in. Don’t they realize you’re suffering?
When Twilight fan fiction is best-selling novels, we all suffer.
10. Seriously, though, do you have a hard time telling if you’re trapped in a poorly-written fan fiction or if you’re just a character in Twilight? Eh, let’s split the difference. You’re probably trapped in 50 Shades of Grey.
Dear God, if you are a loving God, when they make this movie (and they WILL make this movie), please don’t let them cast any actors I like. Amen.
Oz is a thing I didn’t see last weekend
Lately, I’d been wondering why people were talking so much about the Oz prequel. Actually, I wasn’t wondering so much about people talking as I was about people posting things on the Internet, because I don’t actually know any people. But wondering about the Oz prequel, I was.
It mostly consisted of me going: “Huh? They made an Oz prequel?”
And then it turned out it was because the Oz prequel was opening this last weekend! And I went “Oh, right,” and hit myself in the forehead in a slapstick manner.
So the things I know about the Oz prequel:
1. It’s loosely based on L. Frank Baum’s Oz books.
2. Sam Raimi directed it.
He looks so friendly, like, even if you were the worst actor ever, he’d just nice you into a decent performance.
3. Which means Bruce Campbell must be in it somewhere.
Don’t tell me if I’m wrong. I don’t want to know.
So there you go. I didn’t see it, and I probably won’t, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop loving Sam Raimi for Evil Dead 2.
Insert Whitney Houston singing the Bodyguard theme here.
An open letter to the Community Band Conductor
Dear Community Band Conductor,
I realize that, like most modern composers, it’s difficult for conductors to remember that the E-flat Clarinet exists. Actually, I don’t really understand that at all, because, unlike modern composers who are safe in the luxury of the recording studio or one-room flat or wherever the hell modern symphonic band composers hang out, conductors are right there with the band, where it seems like it would be impossible to miss the shrill, often sharp, tones of the E-flat Clarinet.
The storage case is the only place where an E-Flat Clarinet could possibly be in tune.
(A side open letter to the Community Band second clarinets: Yes, I realize I was bloody well sharp when I was playing with the flutes on that one song. It’s nearly impossible to keep the E-flat Clarinet in tune as it is, and it certainly doesn’t help to have one of you stage-whisper “She’s sharp” to the other while I AM TRYING TO PLAY THAT VERY PART. In conclusion, I might be out-of-tune on the E-flat Clarinet on occasion, but you’re jerks.)
Anyway, Community Band Conductor, despite your best efforts to pretend you remembered an instrument such as the E-flat Clarinet exists, I could tell you had already forgotten from the way you announced (minutes after our conversation about how the E-Flat Clarinet exists) that the only instruments playing a certain passage included not the E-flat Clarinet.
I know it’s really tiny, but I swear to you, there is an E-Flat part in your score.
So here is a helpful way to help you remember that the E-Flat Clarinet is an actual thing: A photo!
The E-Flat Clarinet: Better than the regular clarinet, because it’s much cuter.
Look how cute! So wee and cute!
I’m back!
Not that I went anywhere, but it was just so super-crazy busy last week, and when I had a few spare moments, the absolute last thing I wanted to do was try to be funny, so I think I played solitaire for a few minutes instead.
Anyway, I know you missed me. I missed you.
Shhhh.
Let’s not talk. Our actions will do the speaking for us.
… We’re dancing, right?
Hollywood Hates Me 