Helo vs. Scarlet Witch
What do Karl “Helo” Agathon and Wanda “Scarlet Witch” Maximoff have in common?
Why, more things than you would think, that’s what.
Helo should wear short sleeves always, never mind the weather.
Does that chafe, Wanda? That seems like it would chafe.
For a little background, Helo is from the reimagined (and awesome!) Battlestar Galactica. The Scarlet Witch is a mutant from X-Men. Additionally, the new Battlestar Galactica is much better than the original. Also, Helo flies some sort of space vehicle. Whee!
Let’s get to battlin’, folks!
Physicality. The Scarlet Witch, according to her Marvel wiki, is an auburn-haired, blue-eyed beauty. OK, they don’t actually use the word “beauty,” but have you ever seen a Marvel artist draw an ugly mutant (when Grant Morrison’s not doing the writing)? Helo, on the other hand, is one of the most attractive men to ever grace the television screen. His arms are all wow, and his face is like oooooh and the rest of him is also very excellent. Winner? Karl “So hot you made Lokifire forget how adjectives work” Agathon.
Heh. Heh heh heh heh heh. Heh. Sighhhhh.
Fell in love with and married an android? Well, that’s an oddly specific question. What’s the likelihood that one, let alone both these characters would have — What’s that you say? They both married androids? Both of them? Really?
That’s right, folks. Helo married Sharon “not the Boomer one” Valerii, who then became Sharon “Athena” Agathon, which is less confusing than calling her “not the Boomer one.” But still confusing, even though Grace Park did a great job giving all the various Sharons different personalities/mannerisms. Against all odds, their love prevailed. It was beautiful.
Also? They are beautiful.
The Scarlet Witch, on the other hand, married an android who didn’t even bother to try to look particularly human, the Vision. He’s all metal-ly and … stuff. Ew.
At least Father Tres looks human, dammit.
Winner? It’s a resounding tie. (I’m not sure a tie can actually be resounding, but let’s just go with it, ‘kay?)
Went on to have babies with said android? Now this seems even more impossible and … wait, what? They both had offspring somehow? What, was it like magic or something?
Oh, well, yes, in the Scarlet Witch’s case, it was magic. She magically had magical babies through her magical android lovin’.
Actually, in Helo’s case, it was probably a bit magical too, because the writers never really could supply us with a good reason why some Cylon/human pairings resulted in babies and others didn’t other than “the power of love,” which is ridiculous, so magic it is.
The winner? You’d think this would be another tie, but it’s not, because once someone was like, “Hey, Scarlet Witch, isn’t it kind of impossible to have babies with an android?”, said babies ceased to exist (or something), whereas if anyone would have said that to Helo, he’d have been all, “yeah, well look at Hera here.” And then punched them for insulting his wife. Helo wins.
And we win, 'cause here's another picture of Helo and Athena!
Can alter reality? Hey, you know who can alter reality? The Scarlet Witch can alter reality. She altered reality so hard she thought she had little android babies, which is totally impossible. Also, she uses that power to screw with her enemies, which is totally awesome and something I would also do to my enemies. Winner? The Scarlet Witch.
Has a cooler code name? Helo’s code name is Helo. Wikipedia tells me Helo can refer to helicopters (although mostly it refers to Karl “Helo” Agathon), which is cool. The Scarlet Witch’s code name is Scarlet Witch. Which totally describes the thing that she is. Winner? The Scarlet Witch. I’m not so sure about that whole helicopter thing.
Has better taste in androids? I don’t think anyone reading this blog, or anywhere in the world for that matter, would turn down a night of passion with Grace Park. Have you seen her? She’s gorgeous.
You can google her Maxim photos. This is a family-friendly blog! (It's really not.)
On the other hand, have you seen Vision? He’s not pretty at all.
Unless you like your men like you like your cars: made of metal and primary colors.
Winner? Helo.
Fathered the dawn of modern humanity? Wanda Maximoff’s dad Magneto is always going on about how Homo Superior is the future of mankind, but so far, they just seem to squabble amongst themselves and fight crime or commit crimes, so, I’m not sure I take his word on that. On the other hand, Helo and Athena’s daughter Hera was apparently mitochondrial Eve, because, sure, why not, Battlestar Galactica? Also, I probably gave away the winner of this category with the whole “fathered” thing, huh. Winner? Karl “Father of modern humanity is too long a nickname” Agathon.
I wish I was the actress playing Helo's daughter.
Flies some sort of space vehicle? Helo flies a raptor. That’s pretty sweet. The Scarlet Witch has probably been to space too, because that’s what all the mutants are doing nowadays. However, we can’t be certain she piloted a space vehicle to travel to space. Why can’t we be certain? Because her Marvel wiki was boring and we stopped reading, that’s why. Winner? Helo.
Although we can all admit that a raptor is no viper.
Overall winner? For the first time in the history of this blog, a Marvel character went up against a television character and came out on the losing end. That, truly, is the power of awesome. For Helo. Because he won. Helo.
Karl "Helo" Agathon never really smiled, but sometimes Tahmoh Penikett does.
My most adored Say Hi (To Your Mom) Songs, a list
It’s been a while since I’ve done a Top Ten list. I chalk that up to many things. Most of which include the word “laziness,” so whatever.
This list honors my undying love of Eric Elbogen and his music. At least it’s undying for now. In high school, I wanted to marry the Smashing Pumpkins (yes, all of them), so I might change my mind. But currently, I plan to become a ninja, marry Mssr. Elbogen and train him in the way of the ninja, and then we will commit a series of daring daylight heists. Call me, Eric Elbogen! We could make this work!
See, you're already like a ninja, the way you always hide in photographs.
By the way, this list of songs by Say Hi that I really love is in no particular order because don’t make me choose.
1. These Fangs from Impeccable Blahs. There’s a definite drum machine vibe to this song, but I don’t mind, because Eric Elbogen is awesome and I love him. I also love the line “I don’t mind if you wanna hide your fangs too.” This is from the album that’s all about vampires, back before they sparkled.
So let's have him pose with a miniature skeleton, why not.
2. Laundry from Discosadness. It would turn me off a little that Eric Elbogen waits until his laundry is dirty enough to give him high-fives before he heads down to the laundromat, but he is Eric Elbogen, and thus, awesome in every way, so it doesn’t bother me. Favorite line: “I put it off, but they were alive. When I’d walk by, they’d give me five.”
Of course, when he goes out, he inevitably has to pose with creepy mannequins, so maybe it's best to invest in a washer and dryer.
3. Northwestern Girls from The Wishes and The Glitch. Eric Elbogen had moved from NYC to Seattle for the making of this album, and he thought all the northwestern girls were really nice and wrote this song about them. Technically speaking, I am also from the northwest, even if I’m a few states over, so this song is also about me. The line I love the most is “It must be in the air here.”
4. November Was White, December Was Grey from Oohs & Aahs. Eric Elbogen hates winter as much as I do! Eric Elbogen hates winter as much as I do! Between this and the geekiness, I sense that we are soul mates. Bestest line? “For these three months, I’ve been inside the house. My pacing’s worn all of the carpet out” would win, but for these words: “I’ll feel better when the winter’s gone.” Gods, it’s so true, Eric Elbogen. It’s so true.
Let's hate things together, Eric Elbogen! It would be so awesome!
5. Blah Blah Blah from Impeccable Blahs. I believe I have written of my love for this song before. In fact, I’m certain of it. It’s not only about vampires, it also quotes the Borg. Y’all can see why I love this guy, right? Plus, after I listen to it, I run around singing, “I am going to drink your blood. And I just wanna drink your blood.” But my favorite line is (of course): “The trains stop for you and so do the boys when you run your fingers through your hair. But … Resistance Is Futile.”
6. Let’s Talk About Spaceships from Numbers & Mumbles. Eric Elbogen also hates talking about relationships! We are so meant to be!!! The whole song is about him trying to avoid talking to his girlfriend about his relationship, saying things like, “I should’ve paid attention in algebra.” and “Don’t look now, but there’s a spider on the wall behind you.” Actually, those are in the same stanza, and in exactly the opposite order I listed them in. But my favoritest bit is “Let’s talk about spaceships or anything except you and me, OK?”
7. Toil and Trouble from The Wishes and The Glitch. In this song, Eric Elbogen is making a love potion to woo some chick. It’s just because he hasn’t met me yet. “She’s gonna love me, oh yes she will.” Oh, Eric Elbogen, you don’t need a love potion. If your awesome isn’t enough to win her over, she doesn’t deserve you. My favorite line is actually when he says “Oh yeah” repeatedly, not due so much to any clever use of lyrics there, but more for the tone of his voice, which makes me happy.
Man, it's like nobody wants to take a normal photo of this guy.
8. Back Before We Were Brittle from The Wishes and The Glitch. The Wishes and The Glitch might be my favorite Say Hi album. Or Impeccable Blahs. It’s so hard to choose! This song seems to be about superheroes who are a little less powerful these days. Best bit: “Remember when we could save kittens from trees? Or have lunch on skyscrapers. Bring the villains to their knees.” Man, those were great days!
9. Sweet Sweet Heartkiller from Impeccable Blahs. This song makes me think of that episode of Homicide where Kyle Secor’s character hooked up with some chick and I think they had sex in a coffin. Which seems uncomfortable to me, especially since he’s 6’5″. Maybe she just slept in the coffin. I don’t know. Anyway, the chick in this song is actually a vampire, so it makes sense that she sleeps in a coffin, because that is totally a thing that vampires do. Best line? Any time he refers to Ginsu knives: “Her winks cut through me like a Ginsu.” “She bites through necks like a Ginsu.”
10. Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh from Oohs & Aahs. I always lose count of the number of “ohs” in the title of this song. Also, it was apparently on an episode of Gossip Girl. Good for it! Lovely line? “If the devil was a girl and she wore a yellow tee, it would be the spitting image, but that’s all right with me.” Although I also appreciate the way “it’s the sound of her verbs,” because I can totally relate to that. Please marry me.
You don't have to marry me, Eric Elbogen. Some sort of groupie fling thing is OK by me.
I have a lot of keys, but I could use more
I want the keys to the kingdom.
I don't know if I'd open anything with them; they just seem like fun to have.
Because Matt Damon deserves a break
… the movie I’m not seeing this weekend will be The Robert Pattinson/Emilie de Ravin vehicle Remember Me. I also won’t see Green Zone, but that’s through no fault of Matt Damon’s, other than his weird face bugs me. I blame his parents for that, though.
I mean, he's not hideous, but if that's the best thing you can say about a movie star, then ... I don't know. I thought they were supposed to be the beautiful people, that's all.
Moving on, I’m sure everybody’s heard (spoiler alert if not, though, really, if you’re reading my blog, you probably were also planning to not see Remember Me this weekend, so you don’t care anyway) about the big twist ending of Remember Me: Robert Pattinson’s character dies in the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks.
Not Robert Pattinson. NOOOOOO!
It’s a big twist, I guess, because we’re supposed to think the movie is set in the present, not in the past, but it’s actually set in the past and not in the present. (Yes, I made that sentence confusing on purpose. No, I don’t know why exactly.) You know, because why not improve an average to middlin’ movie by harking back to the most devastating terrorist attack on American soil?
Oh, why not? Because you could kill his stupid character in any stupid godsdamned way and we would still have the same average to middlin’ movie, so why did you have to bring Sept. 11th into it, Hollywood? It’s a cheap sentimental trick. It would piss me off if I had the energy to get pissed off about a Robert Pattinson movie, but I barely have the energy to type a sentence about Robert Pattinson and spell Pattinson right, so you see where we stand, Hollywood.
I wouldn't even bother if it weren't for the cheekbones and the broodiness.
Also, I don’t want to see a movie where Pierce Brosnan isn’t killing people on purpose, so bleh.
With explosions!
Emilie de Ravin is pretty, though.
This is what awesome hair looks like, ROBERT.
So I guess you should see Remember Me for her, but I think she’s still on Lost or something, so don’t actually bother.
That is all.
The Bones vs. The Smurfs
The Bones and The Smurfs. Both bulbous-nosed odd little creatures with no genitals to speak of.
Otherwise, they would be wearing pants.
Smurfs are kind of like hairless blue rats. With no genitals.
That was really all the further my brain got on this whole “intro” thing, so, erm, the Bones are Jeff Smith’s little creatures from his bestselling comic book “Bone,” and the Smurfs are the Smurfs.
That’s really all you need to know.
Well, that and don't dress like smurfs, 'cause it's creepy.
Battle ho!
Physicality: Like I said earlier, both The Bones and The Smurfs are bulbous-nosed creatures with no genitals to speak of. The Bones probably have ’em somewhere, but I try not to think about it. I think the Smurfs, I don’t know, sprout from mushrooms or something. But the physicality category isn’t about genitals alone! No! It’s about other asthetically pleasing qualities, like not being Smurfs. Winners? The Bones.
Hopeless crush on unattainable female? Oh, heavens yes.
I know I've said this before, Fone Bone, but you have no genitals.
Unless she was the communal chick smurf, I don't know.
Winners? It’s a tie.
Would be delicious in a stew, or perhaps quiche? According to these folks, yes.
It's a little sad that his life's pursuit was to chase small blue creatures in the hopes of creating a stew out of them.
A word the rat creatures used to describe the Bones was "succulent."
Winners? Another tie.
Fought a great evil and helped save the world? Now you’d think any guy who names his cat after the angel of death and is a wicked sorceror would be considered a great evil, but it’s not like Gargamel really did anything all that bad except annoy the smurfs. On the other hand, the Bones had to face a creature that wanted to destroy all of creation. And they beat it, because good always triumphs. Winners? The Bones.
Bone is a children's comic! No nightmares for them!
Have a catchy, yet lyric-less, theme song that wakes you from your peaceful slumber because it just won’t stop going through your head, over and over, in some sort of horrific infinite loop? The Bones are in a comic book. The Smurfs have a cartoon. Guess which one goes “Lah-lah-la-lah-lah-lah”? Did you guess the Smurfs? If you didn’t, you probably suffer from this condition. Winner? The Smurfs.
Getting made into a live action/CGI movie? Winner? The Smurfs.
Starring Neil Patrick Harris? Winner? The Smurfs.
Who would’ve thunk it? I know, they’ve been talking about making a Bone movie forever.
Moving right along, fought a scarier cat? Azrael is the angel of death, sure, but that cat’s just your average, everyday house cat. Smurfs are like hairless mice. Rock Jaw, on the other hand, is a giant mountain lion that is bigger than your house. Winner? The Bones.
That's one damned big cat.
Then it’s a tie, unless my math is off! Let’s just assume it’s not.
The tiebreaker then: How many times can the creators of said creatures reference “The Lord of the Rings”? Oh, so many times, Jeff Smith. So many times. Winners? The Bones.
Titans! Clashing! Clashing, I tell you!
Q. What do you think of the tagline for the remake of “Clash of the Titans “?
A. It’s very … literal.
Soooo … how many times did you wee in terror watching the Alice in Wonderland trailer?
I don’t know. I can’t decide if it’s fun watching Tim Burton’s psychotic break happen or not so much.
A lot of people are saying how the new Alice in Wonderland movie is lush and beautiful and for mature audiences who can appreciate a good movie, and I think they are just really, really wrong. Alice in Wonderland might be lush and beautiful and for mature audiences, but it’s not for the ones who can appreciate a good movie, it’s for the ones who don’t have residual night terrors from the cartoon.
I mean, this movie is even scarier.
It’s like seeing the Cheshire Cat come to life and knowing he’s waiting under your bed.
GAAAAAAAHHHHH!
It’s like the Red Queen and her head is really, really big.
GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! some more!
It’s like Johnny Depp and you can’t make out his really excellent features.
GAAAAAAHHHH! Again! But with anger mixed in with the abject terror!
I mean, is there anything scarier than not being able to recognize Johnny Depp? (Is Tim Burton a really homely guy and he’s taking it out on Johnny Depp and the audiences who love his beauty? And what does Burton have against his own wife?)
You should be grateful to have a classy lady like Helena Bonham-Carter, Mr. Burton.
I know that a lot of people are excited for this movie. I don’t blame you. Well, I kind of blame you, because seriously, do you not feel fear? What is wrong with you?
Roly-poly deformed twins don’t frighten you?
No amount of GAAAAHHHHH!!!ing can make this right.
Anne Hathaway’s white wig doesn’t send a shudder of fear down your spine?
Well, OK, I can get behind that. She's beautiful.
Really? Really and truly? Are you made of steel? How can you not be afraid?
Seriously, tell me in the comments below. I’ll read the answers if I can work up the courage to get out from under my bed covers.
Will it finally happen today?
Each night, when I walk to my car after work, carrying my lunch pail and messenger bag jauntily along, I wonder: Will today be the day?
I wonder: Did I finally piss off the Interstellar Mafia/Catholic League/Associated Aetheists Organization/PETA/Hollywood/all those other groups that hate me to the point that they’ve finally done it?
I wonder: Is today the day I put my keys in the ignition and set off a car bomb that (insert evil organization name here) has installed? And if they did finally install the car bomb, is it the kind that goes off when I start the car or is there a delay? Is it weight sensitive? Will it go off because I went back for seconds at the Chinese buffet? Maybe it’s the kind that goes off when you unlock the door, and I won’t even have time to set my stuff down. That doesn’t seem fair. I hope it’s not that kind. That kind would suck. Unless I can throw myself away right as the explosion goes off, like they do in the movies. That would be all right, then. I would like to throw myself through the air, barely escaping with my life intact. It probably won’t be that kind. Also, I’d probably have to throw myself pretty far. Will they have to identify me by my teeth? Will I feel it? Will it be like a bright flash of light or a loud noise? Will there be witnesses? Will there be — God willing — collateral damage? Please tell me there will be collateral damage. I don’t want anyone else to die (that’s nearby, probably), but if I can smear all over someone’s car, man, that’s how I want to go. Inconveniencing as many people as possible.
And each night, I drive safely home. Wondering: Will it be tomorrow? Will tomorrow be the day?
What I like best about this sign is that, in addition to the large sign that doesn't want exploding cars in the vicinity, there's another, smaller sign that hates brass instruments.
A love letter to John Casey
Dear John Casey,
Please marry me.
Look, I know on paper, we’re not a good match. You’re Republican, I’m the opposite thing. You’re a trained assassin, I apologized to that creepy black spider I squished on the stairs yesterday. And then I cried a little. (I’m so sorry, creepy black spider.) Also, of course, you’re fictional.
So very fictional.
But that’s OK. That’s just on paper. And if there’s one thing I know about the Internet, it’s that it has nothing to do with paper. I mean, yeah, there’s piles of paper nearby right now, but I’m not using any of them.
Wait, what was I even talking about?
Oh, right: why you should marry me, John Casey.
Because I respect you, John Casey. I honor you, John Casey. That’s part of wedding vows, right? Honor and respect? We’re halfway there, John Casey!
And have I mentioned that I love the way you’re always willing to pull a gun on people or tranq dart them or just plain old punch them in the face? I also love the way you growl when people do stupid things, and would like to mention that that is something we have in common. I also growl when people do stupid things, although, since I have a voice like a 12-year-old, my growl is not as ferocious as yours. But you could do the growling for me. I could just make bitch faces. We could be that couple that looks pissed off together. Wouldn’t that be cute? Omigod, John Casey, it would be so cute.
Have I told you lately that you're sexy when you're angry, John Casey? That means you're sexy ALL THE TIME.
And, John Casey, while some ladies aren’t fans of the classic lines of a 1985 Crown Victoria, let me assure you wholeheartedly, that I am. Hell, John Casey, I would even help you wash your car. (Er, providing you have replaced the one that Chuck Bartowski blowed up good.)
Shiny!
Mostly by taking photographs of you washing it, with the suds rising up your strong forearms to your elbows, and some water splashed strategically on your shirt. I have given this a lot of thought, John Casey, and I can swear I would photograph you in this situation like mad.
That's right, baby. Work the sponge. Work the sponge.
And it would be OK, because we would be married. Married people do things like that.
Or at the least, we could date?
Let me know.
Hollywood Hates Me 