Digging too Deeply: The Boys of Summer
By popular request (“popular” means “one person,” right?), here comes an analysis of Don Henley’s The Boys of Summer. You know you can’t wait to learn what this song really means.
Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer’s out of reach
Our first verse opens in September. Everybody’s gone back to school, except our singer. Possibly he’s a dropout, possibly he’s too old for school. All he knows is that, man, it was great when everybody was back in town for the summer, hanging out at the beach and on the road.
“Stop looking so happy. I really miss you guys!”
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I’m driving by your house
Though I know you’re not home
“Guys? Hello?”
Here, it becomes clear that our singer is the only person left in a vacation town. Or a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Probably the latter. Why else would all the streets be deserted? Shouldn’t someone else be left in this town? No! Because they’re all dead! Dead in the robot apocalypse, of which our singer is the only survivor!
But I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your
Sunglasses on baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
The chorus comes back in, reminiscing about summer, back when everybody was still alive and tanning and wearing sunglasses. The interesting line in the chorus is “I can tell you my love for you will still be strong after the boys of summer have gone.” This line implies one of two things: 1) he loves baseball so much he was ignoring his significant other during the baseball season; or 2) he loves boys so much he was ignoring his significant other while they were running around, all tanned and shirtless and stuff. Most people think it’s baseball, but why can’t it be both? Gay baseball!
“Why else do you think we joined the baseball team?”
I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don’t understand
What happened to our love
But babe I’m gonna get you back
I’m gonna show you what I’m made of
Our singer continues to reminisce about life before the end of the world as we know it, revealing here that he might have been viewing the past through rose-colored glasses. “Remember how you made me crazy? Remember how I made you scream?” Sounds like it wasn’t all sunshine and tanned skins for these crazy kids.
After admitting their relationship wasn’t always perfect, our singer vows to get his love back, and “show you what I’m made of.” This implies one of two things: 1) My apocalypse theory was wrong; or 2) the much more likely option: his significant other has been taken hostage by robots.
Terminators: The real boys of summer.
I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
I see you walking real slow
Smiling at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
The chorus comes back. This time he sees his lover walking real slow and smiling at everyone instead of wearing sunglasses. It’s nice he’s got his hallucinations to get him through this difficult time.
Out on the road today
I saw a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said:
“Don’t look back, you can never look back”
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go, but:
Our third verse reveals our singer has started his epic journey to find his lost love. He says he sees a “deadhead sticker on a Cadillac,” which is our first hint that there might be other survivors in this wasteland. Either that, or it’s the empty husk of a car, which is why a little voice inside his head tells him “don’t look back” and he admits “those days are gone forever.”
Because he’s the only man left alive.
Yorick? Is that you?
I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got the top pulled down
Radio on baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
Bye, boys!
I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got your hair slicked back and those
Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
The song ends with a couple more variations on the chorus. The singer really loves baseball, or boys, or boys who love baseball. Perhaps, even more than his lover, that is what he misses the most.
Image searches for “Boys of Summer” are decidedly homoerotic.
Because this is obviously a song about the apocalypse.
I’m not on fire for Catching Fire
Ugh. I’m sorry about that. Sometimes post titles are just hard.
Sometimes captions are hard too.
Anyway!
The Hunger Games sequel! That’s great! I mean, the first one was all about kids having to murder other kids, but because this is a sequel, they can’t possibly do the exact same thing again! *Reads plot synopsis*
“Yeah, hold on a minute while I murder some kids here, OK?”
Dammit.
Seriously: What is wrong with you people? Why do we have a second movie with kids killing other kids? Who wants to watch that? GAHHHHHHH child murder!
I mean, Battle Royale at least makes sense because Japan, but come on, guys.
Why do people keep saying I look like Lily Tomlin?
Do I look like Lily Tomlin? Is that it?
I don’t think I look like Lily Tomlin, but people keep saying I do. Do I look like Lily Tomlin?
“We don’t know what you look like, you photo-phobic idiot.” – The Internet
Why am I ambivalent about Almost Human?
A lot of the reviews I’ve seen for Fox’s new sci-fi show Almost Human have headlines like “Almost Human is almost good.” And, as much as that seems like lazy headline writing, it’s actually … kinda true.
“But not the best tagline.”
Now, I missed the two-hour premiere on Sunday because 1) I kept forgetting this was a new show, and thought it was Fox airing reruns of BEING Human (The Syfy version, not the BBC version, I assumed), and thus kind of forgot about it; and 2) have a family member who is addicted to The Amazing Race, so I couldn’t have gotten near the TV anyway.
But, like Sleepy Hollow before it, I did manage to watch the second episode. Unlike Sleepy Hollow (which I keep hearing is awesome and great and not anything like what I thought of it), I watched the entire episode, so I can tell you all about the second episode of ALMOST Human, which isn’t the same as BEING Human at all.
See, it’s about roommates who are supernatural beings, and there’s not a single android among ’em!
First off: Almost Human is set a few decades in the future, where androids are a total thing because, in the future, no remembers the life lessons of the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica (the life lessons are ANDROIDS WILL KILL US ALL, AND ARE HOT). Karl Urban, aka another guy from Evil Sherlock Holmes in Space: The Movie, stars as Detective Boring White Guy With a Fake Leg. Michael Ealy is His Partner, A ROBOT , and Lili Taylor is Their Captain With Bad Hair.
It doesn’t look so bad here, though.
Minka Kelly is also in it, but her character is completely unremarkable so far, and then there’s a crazy scientist guy that I don’t know the actor’s name, but is way more interesting than our lead, Bland White Detective.
“You’re just calling me bland because I’m not physically your type, aren’t you?”
Anyhow, from what I can gather from reviews of the first episode, Det. White Dude was betrayed by his girlfriend, couldn’t save his partner, lost his leg and for some reason blames this all on robots. But cops in the future are required to have robot partners, because the future is awesome, who doesn’t want to hang out with robots all the time?, so he teams up with Detective Robot With Feelings, Michael Ealy, and his pretty, pretty eyes.
“You’re just saying that because I have such pretty eyes, aren’t you?”
So, Episode No. 2: Features a plotline where human ladies are being used to provide skin for sexbots, because human skin feels better than whatever the heck they’ve been using instead. Deerhide, maybe? Anyway, this process is illegal, because 1) robots aren’t allowed to have human DNA; and 2) it kills the human ladies.
Clearly, skinless sexbots are the way to go.
Anyway, it’s actually kind of boring and I didn’t care whether any of the human ladies were going to live or die, but there was one particularly intense scene where Det. So White It Hurts is interviewing the beautiful sexbot while his partner looks on, asking her repeatedly: “Who owns you?” The reason this scene is so intense, and possibly it’s on purpose, is because there’s only one white person in the room, and he’s not a robot. So possibly some sort of commentary on race relations? I hesitate to proclaim that for certain, because the rest of the episode really is very overt about everything else, and this was a bit more subtle (read as: possibly accidental).
The award for best line of the night goes to: “Don’t scan my testicles,” which I guess is a reason not everybody wants to hang out with robots all the time, what with all their testicle-scanning. There’s also a fun sequence where Det. Awesome Robot shows some kids his glowing face circuitry (it shows up through his skin) and is one-upped by Det. White Guy, who stabs himself in the fake leg and sends the kids running off, screaming.
So, yeah: Almost Human is almost good, like everybody says. But remember: Fringe started slow too. So there’s hope. There’s hope.
Although I guess Fringe did suffer from a marked lack of androids.
Digging too deeply: Love You Like a Love Song
Today, I start a new feature on this blog. The reason for this new feature is because lately I’ve realized I never go anywhere or do anything or watch much on TV (except for Brooklyn Nine Nine, which is pretty funny), so there’s no pop culture stuff for me to make fun of.
Except pop music.
Gods, there’s pop music everywhere.
So I’ve decided to check out the lyrics to songs, (over)analyze them and share the process with you all. I’m sure this is a completely original idea that nobody else on the Internet is doing (mostly because I refuse to check), and that you will love it.
You. Will. Love. It.
And so we begin with that modern classic: Selena Gomez’s “Love You Like a Love Song.”
She looks like a drunken disco ball in a field here.
It’s been said and done
Every beautiful thought’s been already sung
And I guess right now here’s another one
So your melody will play on and on, with the best of ’em
You are beautiful, like a dream come alive, incredible
A sinful, miracle, lyrical
You’ve saved my life again
And I want you to know baby
So, right from the start here, Selena Gomez is lamenting that “every beautiful thought’s been already sung,” that it’s all been “said and done.”
What we have, folks, is a classic case of … crap. What’s that word when you don’t think you’ll ever measure up to what Mommy wanted for you? Anyway, this singer is deeply, deeply in love, but she knows that she just doesn’t have the vocabulary to express her feelings. And when she does try to use her own words she comes up with nonsense like “A sinful, miracle, lyrical,” which is nice because it rhymes, but is terrible because MOMMY WILL NEVER LOVE YOU IF YOU WRITE LYRICS LIKE THAT.
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, babyAnd I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat
By the time we hit the chorus, it seems like our lyricist has given up on trying to impress Mommy and her lover, and just hopes she can get her emotions across if she uses the word “love” repeatedly, and also hits the second syllable of “repeat” repeatedly. It’s safe to assume, at this point, that our singer has a learning disability, but she really enjoys love songs.
And hula hooping!
(As an aside, the chorus repeats itself a SECOND TIME, but I won’t even make you read the lyrics a second time because they’re just that terrible.)
Constantly, boy you play through my mind like a symphony
There’s no way to describe what you do to me
You just do to me, what you do
And it feels like I’ve been rescued
I’ve been set free
I am hypnotized by your destiny
You are magical, lyrical, beautiful
You are… And I want you to know baby
The second verse swoops in and we see now that our singer has, in addition to a learning disability and probable Mommy issues, Damsel-in-Distress Syndrome. “It feels like I’ve been rescued,” she claims. “I’ve been set free.” Set free from what, she doesn’t say. We can only assume it’s a loveless life, her mother, or that he’s been tutoring her in his free time, and she’s finally getting passing grades in school. She continues on that she is “hypnotized by (his) destiny,” which seems nonsensical, but implies that she can see the future and in the future, they are happy together forever. She goes on to say “You are … And I want you to know baby,” which then leads into the chorus again, causing the critical thinker to wonder: what IS he? She wants him to know, but she can’t bring herself to say it. It’s mysterious! It’s a mystery!
We’re skipping the chorus and moving right into the bridge!
No one compares
You stand alone, to every record I own
Music to my heart that’s what you are
A song that goes on and on
The bridge shows us a girl who either lives in the 1950s or is a hipster, because she’s still listening to records. She wants her lover to know he’s better than “every record (she) own(s),” which is a nice sentiment, but probably makes him wonder why she doesn’t have an MP3 player.
And why she’s dressed like a crazed Mozart.
And then, the kicker: She describes her lover as “a song that goes on and on” before cleverly moving back into the chorus, which is one of the most repetitive pieces of music (?) you’ll ever experience in your life. Reminding him that she “love(s) (him) like a love song.” And that she keeps “hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat.”
Basically, this song is a brilliant analysis of the condition of a teenaged girl with some form of language disorder trying to express her feelings to her lover, trying to free herself from the bonds of a disapproving mother and trying to impress us with her record collection.
Truly, a classic for the ages.
Pictured here: Classic.
Best headline ever?
In your face, you stupid white supremacist!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
“What do you mean I’m part black? Clearly, I’m the epitome of the Caucasian race.”
Yea, another Marvel movie! About Thor!
Thor 2: The Dark World starts out by reminding us that Loki exists. He’s in prison, apparently, and not a cave beneath the earth where a serpent drips venom on his face all the time, so he’s obviously going to be escaping soon.
Also, Tom Hiddleston is totally a heart throb now, which, yeah, is something I can totally get behind.
Then it reminds us that Thor exists, which is great news for the shampoo makers of the world, because how does he keep his hair so shiny?
“The blood of virgins.”
After that, it reminds us that Natalie Portman’s character exists and she’s in love with Thor, which is silly, because I’m pretty sure all the girls are into Loki nowadays, especially since he doesn’t seem so damn high-maintenance, like, Hey, Thor, stop brushing your pretty, pretty hair and let’s have a conversation why not?
“Um, sure. What should we talk about? Hammers? Would you like to talk about hammers?”
Also, for some reason, Natalie Portman’s character slaps Loki because she’s supposed to be the representative of humanity or something and mad about whatever Loki did in The Avengers, but, seriously, can you really slap a trickster god without suffering horrifying consequences? Safe money says no.
He’s a god and you’re a mortal. Don’t you go slapping my namesake.
Then there’s ‘splosions and fighting and Thor standing around shirtless and Natalie Portman floating into the air and looking scared and Sif shows up and I can’t remember when that many attractive people and fight scenes all looked so paint-by-numbers boring, omigod.
Yet we’re all going to go see it, of course.
Ender’s Game: A movie based on a book I’ve never read
True confessions time, right now.
I don’t really enjoy reading science fiction.
No matter HOW unintentionally homoerotic.
It’s true. My high school crush (hi, Jon!) once lent me a copy of Isaac Asimov’s Foundation and it took me approximately five eternities to read it because SO BORING.
It’s a short book, but it feels SO LONG.
So I’ve never read Ender’s Game, and I never will, especially now that I know Orson Scott Card is evil.
See? He’s putting his fingers together like Mr. Burns and everything!
And the movie?
I’m sorry, but Harrison Ford and magnificent ‘splosions aside, it looks like a boring piece of philosophical crap. Everyone’s like: “Ooooh, but what will happen to the BOY?” And it’s kind of like, “Well, he’ll kill a bunch of aliens and save the world and then maybe be ruined for life but isn’t that better than being on a planet that’s just been murdered by aliens?” Like, yeah, let’s pontificate on this one kid when the entire world is at stake. Sure. Good idea. That doesn’t sound really boring and just get to the alien fighting already!
Stop standing there, kid, and start blowing things up.
Stupid fecking public officials
I swear, right now it is so embarrassing to admit that I live in the same city as:
The idiot judge who forwarded the racist joke about Obama; the idiot judge who blamed the victim; and idiot county treasurer who plagiarized a hate letter about Obama who also used his work account to send an e-mail to his sister citing his disbelief that Obama was elected (in November 2012, so apparently, he didn’t notice Obama had already been elected once before then). “It must mean there are more lesbians, queers, Indians, Mexicans and niggers than the rest of us,” he ranted.
The good news is, yes, there are more of EVERYBODY than disgusting racists nowadays, thank you, but the bad news is OH MY GOD NOT EVERYONE IN MONTANA IS LIKE THAT I AM SO ASHAMED.
This man does not represent me or anything I believe in GODDAMMIT AM I GOING TO HAVE TO START TELLING PEOPLE I’M FROM WYOMING?
Hollywood Hates Me 