Ghosts in shells, bosses that are babies, and others
You probably think I’ve been going to the movies a lot lately because I haven’t been posting any “movies I’m not seeing this weekend,” but you’re wrong. I’ve just been lazy and awful and hardly posting anything.
So here’s a quick rundown of some movies I won’t be seeing, no how, no way, yuck.
Beauty and the Beast (Live Version for some reason). I guess we have to have live versions of all the Disney princess movies now? I can’t wait for the Snow White remake, because that won’t be super boring or anything.
But apparently she doesn’t have Stockholm Syndrome and falls for her captor because … I don’t know … true love?
Ghost in the Shell. And here we have a movie where Scarlett Johansson, whose name I can never spell, plays a woman who is in no way shape or form Japanese because Scarjo (I’m only doing it because I can’t spell her name! I’m sorry! I hate portmanteaus!) would never take a role from a person of color, this is just a random woman who was Japanese in the original version but is no longer Japanese, so why you got to be hating on the Black Widow?
Truth-telling time, here: I had a hard time following the anime and didn’t really like it.
Power Rangers. I NEVER LIKED MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS AND I REFUSE TO SEE THIS MOVIE.
Nostalgia is a terrible thing, you guys.
Kong: Skull Island: How is Samuel L. Jackson in, like, all the movies? Is he clones? I think he’s clones.
That might also explain how he hasn’t aged in 30 years.
Boss Baby. Just ick. Yuck. Looks so dumb. Bleh.
Screw you, Dreamworks. I hate you and your stupid movie so much.
Not a remake of the Clara Bow flick
So I guess they’re making an It movie?
But I guess they didn’t cast Tim Curry as Pennywise?
So I guess nobody will actually be scared?
So I guess why are they bothering?
Yes, clowns are scary, but do you know what’s scarier than clowns? Tim Curry. Tim Curry is scarier than clowns.
Why do I like Trial and Error?
Two words, easily summed up: John Lithgow.
John Lithgow is great, you guys. I love John Lithgow. I love him so much he is actually one of the actors whose real name I can remember. He is really, just really SO GOOD.
Hi, John Lithgow! I think you’re great.
And Trial and Error is really very funny, with all of the other characters, like whatsisname the out-of-state lawyer and the feisty DA and the lady with face blindness and the dude who just wants a disembodied body part of his own. And they work out of a taxidermist’s office, just like there is literally a taxidermist right down the street from me. There is, like, nothing funnier than taxidermy. Especially when you take little rodents and have them reading a book. It’s really cute and also funny.
Okay … it’s funnier when they’re in a little rocking chair.
Oooh, and speaking of funny, I actually laughed out loud at the scene in the pilot, where John Lithgow hands his dog to the reporter lady as he’s being taken off to jail for murdering his wife (the fourth leading cause of death in his hometown is listed as “Larry Henderson,” which is John Lithgow’s character’s name, which is funnier than I just made it sound), and then it turns out he forgot to let go of the leash and the world’s second fakest dog is yanked away by the police car.
… It looks pretty fake here, too.
(The world’s fakest dog is in this here video. It’s funny, too!)
Anyway, Trial and Error is far superior to Powerless, plus it doesn’t even have that National Park-desecrating Vanessa Hudgins in it, so even if the writing wasn’t snappier and the acting wasn’t stronger, it would be better by default, so you should watch it.
I KNOW I SUCK AT REVIEWS. IT’S JUST FUNNY, OKAY?
No, it’s perfectly rational
A guy I ran into at my part-time job this weekend revealed to me that he had voted for Trump. He didn’t mind the white supremacists and neo-Nazis advising the president, he said, because at least they’d protect us from the Muslims.
He works at a fast food restaurant, and it is so bad there, he said, that they can no longer just stick the bacon and the hamburger meat together. BECAUSE OF THE MUSLIMS!
I waited for more.
But there wasn’t more. That was all. That was why he hates Muslims.
Seriously, guy, you SUCK.
A love letter to Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe)
Dear Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe),
When I first watched Fringe, my crush was on Peter Bishop (and also I love Walter). Now that I’m older (holy crap, you guys, Fringe has been off the air for FOUR YEARS HOW AM I SO OLD YET LOOK SO GOOD?), my affections have turned to you.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with our universe’s Agent Broyles, who is awesome and never commits treason and wears great suits.
This is a guy you could definitely take to the symphony.
But you, Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe): You wear those tight little black shirts and I say to my daughter I think he has to hold his arms like that because of his muscles, oh my god, can I please go to the other universe?
And then just kind of, I don’t know, STARE at you?
(My daughter still likes Peter best, though, which is understandable. Reasonable, even.)
VERY reasonable.
You, Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe), are a devoted father, willing to sacrifice almost anything (not two universes, thank goodness) for your adorable son.
I love you, and I think we should get married.
You know, once you’re out of prison for all the treason you committed for your adorable son.
And, just ’cause, here’s a photo of Lance Reddick kicking it casual style.
I’ve got some friends with books
So, you guys! You guys! I’ve got some very talented writer friends. There’s the lovely BrikHaus and the equally lovely Michael Ampersant. And they’ve both published books, and they’re super good and you should read them!
Here’s a picture of a book, because this post was a little text-heavy at the top.
… Here’s the caveat, though. They’re both genre books, so if you’re not into literary erotica or dystopian satire, then maybe don’t read them. But maybe recommend them to your friends who are into those kinds of books, because they are really good. And I’m not just saying that ’cause I love these guys.
Or I am, because I love them because they’re both funny, talented writers.
Another caveat: These are both self-published books, but here’s the thing — they were self-published by writers who actually know a bit about editing. (I’m looking at you, sloppily-written Barker Gang book I regret purchasing.) They’re both, if you spring for the paperback rather than the Kindle version, nicely made, professional books. (I’m really enjoying using the word caveat today.)
SERIOUSLY YOU NEED AN EDITOR, W.D. SMITH.
Anyway, here’s a rundown of what to love about these books.
Green Eyes, which I’m linking to again, is a witty love story/crime story/plenty of sex of, like, all kinds story/just a lot of fun story. It’s written in a literary style with a slightly unreliable narrator.
Although the cover has more male nipple than you usually see on this blog….
Safety Nation, which again I’m linking to again (yes I know that made no sense), is set in a horrific future where the government actually cares about our health and safety, but, being the government, they take it too far. As usual.
… And here’s less male nipple than you were probably hoping for.
Anyway, you should give these books a try, even though I am a terrible reviewer, because they’re good books by good folks. And I hear there’s sequels in the works, so (insert smiley face here).
Smiley face inserted.
Turkeys, dead cats, whatever
So “Turkeys circling a dead cat” doesn’t sound like a viral video. It’s sounds more like an extended cut by some godawful jam band.
“Man, I love ‘Turkeys Circling a Dead Cat.'”
“I don’t know, man, I prefer the remix: ‘Dead Cat Being Circled By Turkeys.'”
Time Loops: A horror story
“You won’t like this one,” my daughter said. “She’s caught in a time loop.”
She was talking about Before I Fall, which I probably wouldn’t like anyway, because, ugh, who wants to watch movies about teenagers and their problems?
Especially teenagers who moonlight as models, because, yuck, damn good-looking kids.
But the whole time loop thing, man, that freaks me out.
Of course, in Before I fall, it’s one of those time loops where she can escape it if she just becomes a better person, like, no, that’s not how time loops work. They just loop and loop and loop …
… and loop and loop and loop…
… and now I need a hug and a stiff drink.
As long as I’ve got my Hennessey’s, I can make it through any old time loop!
Let me correct this headline for you
The headline in the newspaper read: “Protestors support suspended host,” but this is more accurate: “Racist not wrong to say racist things, other racists say.”
“Look, it’s just that every single member of that other race is bad.”
Hollywood Hates Me 