Maybe your kid doesn’t WANT to be famous, Will Smith
Wikipedia says that After Earth is “a 2013 American science fiction film directed by M. Night Shyamalan that he co-wrote with Gary Whitta based on an original story idea by Will Smith.”
Wikipedia says a lot of things.
That … is a terrible combination of things.
And it is made worse (of course) by Will Smith wanting this to be a starring vehicle for his son, who does seem like a very nice boy, but maybe not quite ready for all these leading roles? Like, let him work his way up to it, huh, Will Smith?
Look at that face, Will Smith! He so obviously is only doing this to please you!
Anyway: After Earth. Will Smith stars as *snigger* Cypher Raige, because Will Smith is an 8-year-old boy, and Will Smith’s son stars as Kaita Raige, but I think he maybe really is an 8-year-old boy, and, also, that’s not his fault. The Raiges *snort* are on a mission to return to Earth, because this is the future and in every movie about the future this year, except that one with Evil Sherlock Holmes, has abandoned earth. Then there’s a terrible ship wreck and Kaita Raige *chuckle* has to learn to fight his fear and also a bunch of giant mutant animals because the tagline of the movie is: Danger is Real. Fear is a Choice.
Actually, I’m pretty sure Fear is a Biological Response.
Also, there’s not a twist, so that’s something.
Unless the twist is that it’s possible to do better CGI than this, but no one on this movie bothered.
A love letter to “John Harrison”
Dear “John Harrison,”
(If that is your real name, which, spoiler alert, it’s not.)
(Seriously, though, everybody guessed it, so it’s not a spoiler alert at all.)
Let me start over:
Dear “John Harrison,”
Can I touch your face?
Um, like, a lot?
No, really. Could I?
You see, “John Harrison,” there are many things I love about you, and many of them are right there on your face, like your insanely high cheekbones and those eyes and *deep, girlish sigh*….
Of course, that’s not all I love about you. I also enjoy your height. That’s quite nice. And your hair is good also.
Your badass poses are also doing it for me, I have to admit.
Oooh, ooh, and the way you killed Robocop! That was great. Also the way you punched a lot of people while you’re wearing black, and the way you killed a lot of Klingons while you were wearing black and also those boots you wore. (Which were black.)
Somehow, the boots look better on you than on New Captain Kirk or Sylar from Heroes.
I also love the way you totally caused the death of New Captain Kirk (although I’m less enamored of the way it’s your fault he came back to life) and the way you put a hurting on Sylar from Heroes. That was really hot, and I want you to know I am down with you attempting to kill the crew of the USS Enterprise because, with the exception of Scottie, they’re all kind of annoying.
Actually, if you could spare Uhura too, because she’s sooooo pretty and kind of badass, I’d appreciate it.
Anyway, KAAAAHHHHHNNNN!!!!, er, I mean “JOHHHHHHHHNNNN!!!!”, I hope you will consider my proposal for your hand. Or, if not, please, please, please can I touch your face?
Please?
Evil Sherlock Holmes: Everything I thought he’d be and stuff
Yea! I just saw a movie! It was the new Star Trek movie, which I’m glad I didn’t let anyone talk me out of, because, as a non-Star Trek fan, I didn’t care about any continuity issues or any of that. All I cared about was two things: Benedict Cumberbatch as KAHHHHHNNNN!!! and Simon Pegg as SCOTTTTTTYYYY!!! (OK, that’s not quite as … eh, whatever.)
Pictured here: All my hopes and dreams as a fangirl realized.
So, play by play of the movie:
The Enterprise crew does something on a planet and Sylar from Heroes nearly dies, which makes his girlfriend, Hot Actress Whose Name I Don’t Know, kind of sad and angry. Then they go back to earth and OH MY GOD SO MUCH TALKING WHEN WILL THE EXPLOSIONS BEGIN and then Benedict Cumberbatch saves a little girl’s life so her dad can kill some other people, like, YEA, THINGS ARE BLOWING UP FINALLY. Then Benedict Cumberbatch kills some more people, including New Captain Kirk’s boss/friend or somebody (didn’t see first Star Trek reboot film; probably won’t; not sorry; except about excessive use of semi-colons), but he doesn’t kill Robocop, who is also in this movie, YEA ROBOCOP!
*breathes*
Then New Captain Kirk and everybody EXCEPT Simon Pegg goes off to kill Benedict Cumberbatch, which probably is because Simon Pegg likes Sherlock too, because he’s awesome like that. But then they don’t kill Benedict Cumberbatch, which is good, because who would keep watching this movie if Evil Sherlock Holmes was dead? So they fight some Klingons, because what fun is a Star Trek movie without murdering Klingons (except maybe some of the Next Generation ones, I guess), and then Benedict Cumberbatch (who went and hid on a Klingon planet for some reason) comes out and OH MY GOD HURTS SO MANY PEOPLE I HAVE A NEW FETISH. Then he reveals that he’s KAHHHHHHHHNNNNN!!!, which everyone already knew, so I’m not putting a spoiler alert, go suck, and he’s like, Robocop wanted you to shoot these torpedoes at the enemy planet to start a war, it’s all his fault, and then I had to go, “Wait, how did he know you’d go running off to the Klingon planet? Was that part of his plan, too? Dammit, I wasn’t expecting to nitpick anything because I don’t know anything about Star Trek but that’s just illogical!!”
“It sure was awesome when you killed all those Klingons, though!”
*breathes*
But then I just went with it, because Benedict Cumberbatch. Also, Simon Pegg came back, and I was in my happy place. (Apparently, my happy place is in, like, the United Kingdom, which is populated by Cumberbatches and Peggs and is a land of magic and wonder….) Oh, also, Evil Sherlock Holmes was totally right that Robocop was trying to start a war with the Klingons, and then everybody on the Enterprise almost dies, but then they don’t because Simon Pegg saves the day, and then they almost do, except SHERLOCK HOLMES TOTALLY MURDERS ROBOCOP.
(P.S. BEST SENTENCE EVER!!!)
Evil Sherlock Holmes has even floppier hair than Non-Evil Sherlock Holmes.
Then some other stuff happens, but I don’t really remember it because I was too busy replaying the scenes of Benedict Cumberbatch hurting people in my head, but then New Captain Kirk dies, except I totally called he wasn’t dead because of the KAAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNN!!!! blood they injected in the Tribble, and then (THEN!!) Benedict Cumberbatch hurts THE HELL out of Sylar from Heroes, which was so AWESOME because costuming put him in a trenchcoat, and I think I’m getting the vapors.
*Fans self*
Make them pay, Evil Sherlock Holmes! Make them all pay!!
Then Benedict Cumberbatch/Evil Sherlock Holmes/KAAAAAHHHHHNNNN!!!! is put back into cryogenic sleep and then I kind of fell asleep because Stupid New Captain Kirk started talking again and wouldn’t shut up. Then the movie was over.
Also, I didn’t sit through the credits, so if it ends with something like Benedict Cumberbatch’s eyes springing open in his cryogenic tube, I am going to be SO MAD.
Even madder than when I learned about the cut Benedict Cumberbatch shower scene, because WHO CUTS A BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH SHOWER SCENE?
I finally saw Inception!
And I know that you’re all so proud of me.
It was a great sacrifice, and I deserve all the praise you care to heap upon me.
Of course, it wasn’t quite as exciting to watch as it might have been if I’d seen it back when it came out, or even back before Pete Postlethwaite (God rest your talented soul, sir!!) died, or even before I read multiple articles telling me exactly what happened. (On a related note, if you’ve been spoiled for The Sixth Sense, it turns out it’s kind of a boring movie.)
I mean, it’s so obvious that he’s a ghost all along when somebody already told you.
But the special effects were awesome and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, despite appearing eternally 15, actually pulls off a suit quite well.
Also, I think he can fly.
Cillian Murphy was great and beautiful, as always, and Leonardo DiCaprio was puffy but awesome (seriously, despite him not being my type at all, I’ve admired his acting ability ever since The Basketball Diaries, so now you know that I am well and truly old), and Shadowcat had the name Ariadne for some reason (like, maybe her fictional parents were as into Greek mythology as I am?).
A photo of Cillian Murphy, because Cillian Murphy has cheekbones that could kill, that’s why.
However, I know you didn’t come here to hear my opinions on the actor’s talents/good looks. You came here to find out the answer to the eternal question: Was it all a dream?
Yes. Yes, it was.
Huzzah for evil Benedict Cumberbatch
Hey, guys! Some movie opens this weekend and the modern Sherlock Holmes is a bad guy in it and I want to see it sooooo bad because is there anything hotter than a villainous Benedict Cumberbatch?
I submit that: No. No, there is not.
Seriously, though, the new Star Trek movie looks really awesome in certain spots, like the parts that have my TV boyfriend, Evil Sherlock Holmes, and also the parts that have Simon Pegg because SQUEEEE SIMON PEGG!
To reiterate: SQUEEEE SIMON PEGG!
Wait, that wasn’t very serious at all.
The trailer, which I linked to above for your clicking pleasure, is all overwrought with oh my god what will New Captain Kirk do and his obsession will kill us all and it’s like who can get behind a guy with eyebrows like that, you know?
“My eyebrows will stop your terrorist ways, Evil Sherlock Holmes.”
And then Evil Holmes swoops in all awesomely, and I totally can’t go see this movie in the theaters because I’ll be rooting for the terrorist to win, which makes me profoundly unAmerican, I guess.
But you guys tell me how it is, and then tell me when the Internet makes a version that cuts out all the non-Benedict Cumberbatch scenes, and I’ll watch that one.
I guess they can leave in the Simon Pegg scenes too.
<3
The Internet: So, yeah, that <3? That’s a heart! It means love!
Me: Wait, what?
The Internet: You know, love! We love this thing that we found on the Internet!
Me: And it’s a heart, you say?
The Internet: Of course it’s a heart! It’s got the two curves, the pointy end thing …. Why? What did you think it was?
Me: … Oh, nothing.
The Internet: Come on, you can tell us.
Me: Well, it’s got this pointy thing and then two dangly round things, and ….
The Internet: And we thought we had a dirty mind.
Yeah, I’m sorry, but I really thought it meant “that’s so awesome I want it to have my babies.”
Signs of the impending robot apocalypse
I used to think that we’d all be killed off in a zombie apocalypse, but it’s become clear that our desire for technology has far outpaced our necromancy skills. Which means that robots is going to kill us all, just like Bender says.
Here’s a list of how, and why.
1. The Cars that Can Park Themselves. Because once cars can park themselves, it’s one short stop to killing/enslaving humanity.
“First: this parking spot; next: the world!”
2.Vacuum cleaner robots. Because vacuum cleaner robots, that’s why.
Even if it does look like a harmless little CD player.
(“Mom, what’s a CD player?” says half the internet.)
3. That creepy baby robot that Japan made because Japan hates everything that is good and holy, ever. Yeah, that’s pretty much all I have to say about that.
OH GOD THEY’RE FEEDING THAT REAL BABY TO IT NOOOOO.
4. Our increasing reliance on smartphones. You know that’s what they want.
Damn smartphones. Think you’re so smart.
5.The gigantic robot spiders. Seriously, really, Japan?
REALLY?
6. The Japanese robot actroid, because it now has “no fear of crowds.” STOP MAKING ME PICK YOU, JAPAN.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Wait, hold on a sec.
*breathes in*
GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
7. The Japanese robot suit because it was created by Cyberdyne BECAUSE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, JAPAN?
“That’s right, foolish humans. Tempt fate, why not.”
8. Shiri, because a robot that is a butt that is called “butt (shiri)” probably wants nothing more than revenge for being brought into the world. Goddammit, Japan, WHY?
Please stop molesting the robotic butt.
9. CB2. Because CB2 haunts my dreams.
Insert continuous terrified screaming here.
10. Oh, and good news: Ropits, the car that can DRIVE ITSELF THEY’RE COMING FOR US OH GOD.
At least the robot apocalypse will be adorable, I guess.
Terrible, horrible, no-good bad lyrics
So I was in a restaurant the other night and they had some satellite radio station playing some pretty terrible “modern rock.” (They did play Jane’s Addiction’s “Been Caught Stealing,” which was nice, though.)
Anyhow, one song was about drinking alcohol, and how drinking alcohol is awesome, and being drunk is super-awesome. And it contained such inspired gems as this line about whiskey: “That shit makes me batshit crazy.”
I, too, enjoy a glass of whiskey now and again. One now and one again shortly.
So, yeah. Perhaps less drinking and more hitting the thesaurus is in order?
Hollywood Hates Me 